Chapter 3 — I Refuse to Be a Concubine

Every day at the hour of the rabbit, I rise to sweep the courtyard and wash the clothes for the three of us. Afterward, I transcribe Buddhist sutras, attempting to cultivate my character and temper my spirit. My midday meal consists only of a single salted apricot; my evening meal is nothing more than a bowl of thin rice porridge. A fortnight has passed, and I have grown significantly thinner, yet my elder brother refuses to bring me home. Desperate, I cast my remaining hopes upon Gu Yan-Yu. I secretly bribe someone to deliver a letter, begging him to intercede with my brother on my behalf. The reply arrives swiftly. Gu Yan-Yu writes: "You have caused injury to Cui Shu."

"It is only fitting that the Minister of the Cui clan punishes you."

I freeze instantly, my tears blurring the ink upon the parchment.

"Do not weep."

A clear, gentle voice suddenly sounds beside me, flowing like a murmuring spring through the chambers of my heart. I lift my gaze, and a youth wearing a silver mask appears before me. The half of his face that remains visible is strikingly beautiful.

"If you have some sorrow weighing on your heart, tell me."

"Perhaps I can help you find some relief."

In the days that follow, he consistently manages to dismiss the housekeepers and bring me food. Outside the window, the pomegranate blossoms burn with the intensity of fire. He stands within the courtyard, resting his hands upon the window ledge, his knuckles tapping against the frame in a rhythmic cadence.

"Gu Yan-Yu is not a match worthy of your devotion."

"You would be better off ceasing to love him."

I pull his fingers away and firmly shut the window. Leaning against the wall, I say gloomily, "I have loved him for so long, for so very long." Yet, is Gu Yan-Yu truly worthy of the affection I hold for him? For a fleeting moment, I cannot find the answer. On the day I depart from the mountain temple, both my brother and Gu Yan-Yu arrive to collect me. Xie Zhen-Liu watches from a distance. As our gazes lock, he quietly curves his lips into a smile. My brother wraps an arm around my shoulder, his voice stern as he asks, "Are you acquainted with the Duke of Su?" I startle, instinctively shaking my head. Relieved, my brother advises, "You must remember to keep your distance from him; do not provoke him." Gu Yan-Yu adds his own warning: "He has yet to take a wife even now."

"Should you catch his eye, you would not be long for this world."

Only then do I realize that the gentle youth who called himself "Little Xie" is none other than the infamous Duke of Su, Xie Zhen-Liu—a figure feared as a harbinger of violence and death. My mind drifts back to the white jade pendant. Some time ago, Gu Yan-Yu had gifted it to me, saying, "I admire you. In the days to come, I shall surely take you as my wife." How regrettable that time shifts and oaths dissipate like wind. Tomorrow evening, during the palace banquet, the imperial decree betrothing me to Xie Zhen-Liu will be announced.

The next day, the carriage halts before the palace gates. Gu Yan-Yu accompanies us; he assists my elder sister down first, then extends his hand toward me. I pause for several heartbeats, then choose to leap down on my own. He sighs, "Sui-Sui, are you still sulking?"

"Once you enter the Marquis's estate as a concubine, if you continue to act this way and offend the mistress of the house, I will not be able to protect you."

My sister covers her lips with a subtle smile, chiding him gently, "The heir of the Marquis is joking. Sui-Sui is my younger sister; how could I bear to make things difficult for her?"

The two of them sing from the same song sheet, as if my fate as a concubine to Gu Yan-Yu were already sealed. That familiar sensation of suffocation returns. I stare at them, stating, "I will not be a concubine." My voice is not loud, yet it possesses an unusual firmness. My brother speaks coldly, "I have already decided for you. You will serve as the dowry-concubine, accompanying Shu-Er when she enters the Changning Marquis estate."

I look at him in shock. Only last night, he had insisted that the mention of concubinage was merely a result of his momentary anger. Why, then, has he changed his tune today? Perhaps the disappointment in my eyes is too transparent. My brother offers a strained explanation: "This is a debt you owe to Shu-Er; you cannot blame others for it." I do not understand what he means by this debt, but they pay me no further heed, walking on either side of my sister, laughing and chatting as they pass through the palace gates. I tilt my head upward, struggling to force my tears back into their ducts. Only after a long time do I lift my feet to follow. Halfway through the banquet, the Emperor predictably mentions the betrothal. His gaze falls upon me: "The young lady of the Cui family, are you willing to wed the Duke of Su?"

Xie Zhen-Liu, sitting across from me, looks over with fragments of amusement in his eyes. My brother grips my wrist tightly, signaling me to refuse. Instead, I stand and say, "This subject is willing." As the words leave my lips, the expressions on the faces of my sister and Gu Yan-Yu turn wretched. Upon returning to our seats, my brother suppresses his rage, whispering, "Have you lost your mind?" Lost my mind? If I truly entered that estate as a concubine, then I would indeed be mad. Besides, Xie Zhen-Liu is not as terrible as the rumors suggest. Much like myself, I am not the selfish, malicious person my brother claims I am. In the end, we are two souls sharing a similar suffering.

Xie Zhen-Liu escorts me back to the estate. As we part ways, he says abruptly, "Sui-Sui, if you wish to regret this now, there is still time." I shake my head gently: "I do not regret it." Only then does he seem to shed a heavy burden, his lips curving into a smile. That night, I sleep with an unprecedented sense of peace. In the neighboring courtyard, however, my sister is different. She clutches my brother's sleeve, her throat choked with emotion: "Sui-Sui cannot accompany me into the Marquis's estate. What shall we do now?"

My brother raises his hand to wipe the tears from the corner of her eyes. "Go and find another young lady—one who is gentle, virtuous, and easy to bear children."