Chapter 3 — Melting Glacier

3He went from rigidly resisting, to passively enduring, and finally, in those eyes, which were always calm and self-controlled, were also tinged with desire, like an underground stream rolling under a layer of dark blue ice. He began to respond to me, his movements even a bit rough and out of control. In that moment, I won. I finally caused him to explode into a storm of intense emotions. But after the storm, my heart felt terrifyingly empty. When it was all over, it was completely quiet outside the tent. He lay next to me, breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling violently. His eyes, which were normally unwavering, were now closed, his long eyelashes trembling slightly. I thought he was going to say something. Sorry, or angry, or any emotion. But you don't. He just kept silent. A long, breathless silence. I don't know how long it took for him to open his eyes, his eyes were back to being as calm as usual, just a little more tired. He looked up at the top of the tent, his voice was hoarse, but said: "Lam Nhien, vigorous exercise in the highlands can easily cause acute pulmonary edema." I... Really, I wanted to swear. At that moment, the last spark in my heart extinguished. I even burst out laughing, laughing until I cried. I lost, lost miserably. I can never wake up a person who pretends to sleep, nor can I forever melt an ice mountain that doesn't want to melt. I jumped up and quickly got dressed. When it was not yet dawn, I put on my camera backpack and took one last look at the man still lying on the anti-humidity mat. I took out a pen and paper, wrote a line of words, and stuffed it under his "Highland Outdoor Survival Handbook". Then I zipped up the tent, without looking back, and rushed into the thick pre-dawn darkness. On the paper was written: "Professor Tham, hug my ice and live your life, I have to go to the tropical rain forest! Goodbye, I like the wild!" Leaving the Dagu Glacier, I actually entered the tropical rainforest. I flew straight to Xishuangbanna, plunging into the wet, sticky blue sea of this place. I told myself: Lam Nhien, you are free. No more having to face a rock to contemplate life, no more having to listen to the damn laws of physics or geological age. I will drink, go to bars, dance with crazy local boys. I want wildness, I want fire, I want happiness that I can see right away just by looking. And I did just that. I got drunk at Coc Trang night market, watched the sunrise by the Lan Thuong River, followed the local tour guide deep into the forest, taking photos of brilliant poisonous mushrooms and strange insects. I even went on a few dates with a tattooed guy who opened a bar. He took me for a ride on his Harley motorbike, mixed me the strongest drink, and frankly complimented me on my beauty, with a hook in his eyes. He is very "wild", completely meeting the standards that I praised when we broke up. But I found everything to be bland and tasteless. Sitting on the back seat of his bumpy motorbike, the wind blew and stung my eyes. I remembered Tham Duc Chi driving an old off-road vehicle. On bumpy mountain roads, he would instinctively put his hand out in front of me. In the bar, amidst the harsh music, watching the crowd on the dance floor swaying wildly, I remembered Tham Duc Chi in the quiet laboratory, focusing on cutting stone samples, his face tilted under the light. When I kissed the tattooed guy, the strong smell of cigarettes and alcohol on him made me unable to help but remember the cold scent on Tham Duc Chi's body, like a pine forest after snow. I realized a scary truth. It seems... I can't control Tham Duc Chi. Just like the plateau reaction, leaving the "high zone" where he was, I instead had withdrawal symptoms.

serious addiction. I scolded myself for being stupid and couldn't help but click on the avatar in the middle of the night that I thought I would never open again. His personal page is empty, like when he was still with me. I don't know if you've finished the survey yet, I don't know if you've seen the paper I left behind, and I don't know how you'll react when you see it. Perhaps, he just calmly folded the paper, stuck it in his notebook, considered it a "specimen of unusual behavior", and then wrote a note next to it: "Agitated emotions, chaotic logic, not worth research." This torment lasted for three months. When I returned from Xishuangbanna, my body was like a cabbage withered by the sun. I had become thinner and noticeably darker. My best friend came to the airport to pick me up. As soon as she saw me, she was stunned. "Oh my god, Lam Nhien, are you coming back from the tropical rainforest? I thought you were exiled to Africa to dig coal." She stuffed me into the car and gave me a bottle of cold water. "So, are wild men happy?"