Chapter 5 — A Letter to the Snowy Day

My tears finally broke free. I knew that crying at a moment like this made me look utterly pathetic, but I could only speak with reddened eyes, “Shen Yao, that child… I aborted it a long time ago.” Shen Yao stood frozen, stunned. We had been apart for so long, and despite all the agony I endured, I had never once regretted loving him. Yet, in this very moment, a sudden wave of sharp regret washed over me. He had never been worth it. “Having loved you is the greatest regret of my life.” I wiped away my tears, turned my back on him, and walked away. Behind me, Shen Yao did not give chase; he simply remained rooted to the spot. It was only when I had left the restaurant and climbed into Cheng You’s car that I heard the sound of hurried footsteps pursuing me. Looking through the rearview mirror, I saw Shen Yao standing there, as if trying to summon every ounce of breath in his lungs to shout, “Ji Ran!” I squeezed my eyes shut. Cheng You pressed down on the accelerator, leaving Shen Yao’s silhouette far behind.

“If you are not in a good mood, would you like to have a few drinks with me?” When I had called Cheng You late at night to pick me up, only to have him witness such a chaotic scene, I had expected him to be annoyed. To my surprise, he seemed to be in a remarkably good mood. I hesitated, then replied, “Alright.” Having repressed my feelings for far too long, the sudden explosion of emotion left me craving a moment of reckless release. “Let’s go to my place,” Cheng You said, accelerating, “I just bought some excellent bottles.” I knew nothing about wine, nor did I realize that the bottles Cheng You had brought out cost thousands of yuan each. I only knew that once I started drinking, I managed to hold it together for a while, but soon, I was sobbing in Cheng You’s arms. “Do you love him that much?” In a hazy stupor, someone held me gently, stroking my hair, their voice filled with a complex blend of emotions. “Mmm,” I murmured, “because he looks so much like the first boy I ever loved.” Cheng You stiffened. “What did you say?” I did not answer; I had already drifted into a deep, unconscious sleep.

In my dreams, I returned to the summer I was eighteen. I had spent days preparing a love letter, writing and tearing it up, over and over again. When Cheng You came to find me, my heart hammered against my ribs, and I hurriedly shoved the letter into my pocket. Thunder split the sky, and a torrential downpour caused the crape myrtle blossoms to blanket the ground. Before I could find the words to speak, I heard Cheng You’s voice first. “Ji Ran, my mother won’t let me attend university in the country anymore.” My hand, still clutching the letter inside my pocket, froze. In the end, I could not bring myself to pull it out. When I returned home that night, I sat alone for a long time before I remembered the letter. When I reached into my pocket, it was drenched; the love letter I had labored over was soaked to the point of disintegration, the ink smeared beyond recognition.

Young love is so fragile. Just one rainstorm, a bit of vanity, and petty stubbornness were enough to crush it entirely. Afterward, I had convinced myself that I had forgotten Cheng You. But when I saw that Shen Yao’s eyes bore a slight resemblance to his, my heart had begun to race once more. This was a secret I had never shared with anyone—until now, when I could no longer suppress it. In my half-waking, half-dreaming state, I heard someone sigh softly, a sound of exhaustion mingled with profound joy, like a traveler who, after a long journey, had finally found an oasis in the middle of the desert. Soon after, a soft kiss landed on my forehead, as if they were kissing a precious treasure.

Because of what happened that night, I spent the following days trying to avoid Cheng You. I was too embarrassed; I did not know if he had realized that I was talking about him, but given his intelligence, he surely must have guessed. Cheng You had always treated me as a friend… how could I harbor such feelings for a friend? Yet, work remained. I could not hide forever, and eventually, the day came when I had to lead little Wang Lu Han to the gate to wait for Cheng You. “Teacher Ji,” the child asked me, “do you like my uncle? Lots of people like him, everyone wants to be my aunt, but I only want you to be my aunt!” It was not appropriate to discuss such things with a child, so I intended to laugh it off, but for some reason, I let slip the question: “Your uncle… his former girlfriend… do you know what kind of person she was?” She shook her braids. “I’ve never had an aunt. My uncle has never had a girlfriend! My mom is always nagging him about it!” Never had a girlfriend? How could that be? Given Cheng You’s status, it would be difficult for an ordinary person to remain single for so long, let alone someone like him. “I heard him say he’s liked a girl for a long time, but she already had a boyfriend!”

The secret joy in my heart shattered. I forced a smile. “What kind of person is she, then? Was she a classmate from when he studied abroad?” “I don’t know,” she said, shrugging with a precocious air, “I just know she recently broke up, and when my uncle heard the news, he immediately returned to the country. But I still like you better, Teacher Ji. I still want you to be my aunt!” I was stunned. I shouldn't be so conceited, yet in that moment, my heart couldn’t help but race violently. A shadow fell over me; Cheng You was already standing there. I did not know how much he had overheard, and fearing I was overthinking, I said awkwardly, “You’re here.” “Yes, it’s starting to rain. I’ll take you home.” Cheng You acted as if he had not heard what the girl said. I breathed a sigh of relief, yet for some reason, I felt a trace of disappointment. He took the child home first, and on the ride to my place, we rarely spoke a word. Cheng You was no longer his usual self; he did not recount his day or try to make me laugh. In the heavy silence of the car, only the sound of rain drumming against the windows remained. As we reached my door and I prepared to step out, I murmured, “Thank you—”

Cheng You suddenly spoke up. “Ji Ran.” I turned my head and met his amber eyes, a gaze so rich and dense like golden honey that I could not look away. He said, “The person I love… is you.” Rain poured down like a deluge. Cheng You reached out toward me. “Back then, I wanted to come back and find you, but just as I decided to return, I found out you had fallen in love with someone else. I have waited for so long. I could keep waiting, but I do not want to lose you ever again.” His gaze was unwavering, though his fingers trembled slightly. For a long time, I did not reach out to take his hand. A flicker of disappointment and self-mockery crossed Cheng You’s eyes, and just as he began to pull back, I suddenly grabbed his hand, leaned over, and kissed him, catching him in a gaze of stunned surprise. At first, Cheng You did not react, but very quickly, he cradled my face, taking the initiative. It was forceful yet tender. Amidst the pouring rain, there was only the soft, dim glow of the car lights.