Chapter 2 — It's Never Too Late to Start

9
I have no friends. Mom said again:
"Then it's better, I concentrate on studying."
“If you make friends, find someone who studies better than you to play with.”
She always emphasized:
“If you don't study properly, you will have to live in this village all your life!”
But I didn't realize the meaning of my mother's words. Just feel suffocated. Compared to my mother, my father makes me feel much more comfortable. My grandfather and aunt never forced me to study. Furthermore, there are many fun places in the district. Slides, swings, and hopscotch boxes on the banks of Dong Ho are enough for me to have fun all day without getting bored. Dad also said:
"Is your mother crazy? You're a girl, finish middle school, work for a few years and then get married, why dream of going to college?"
Aunt also said:
“Children should be able to play!”
So, I really like going to my dad's house. But the turning point came in sixth grade. At that time, the district organized a cultural performance to welcome the new century. My school practiced a number of performances, and I was chosen to be the main dancer. To perform, all participating students must buy the same costume. I begged my mother forever, and she finally agreed. But when it came time to pay for the outfit, her mother changed her decision:
"Fifty yuan? These clothes are made of gold? Why are they so expensive!"
"Once you're done acting, you won't be able to use it anymore. It's a waste of money! Tell your teachers to find someone else!"
I was so impatient that I was about to cry.
“There's still a week left until the performance, how can we change people in time?”
"Mom, you promised me! I know you have money, a few days ago you just sold twenty chickens..."
"That money is for my child to go to college, not a penny will be touched. No more dancing! The most important thing for students is to learn!"
… No matter how much I begged, my mother still refused to give up the money. Even scolded me.
"What are you performing? Do you think you're a star?"
"Look at yourself in the mirror, then open your eyes wide and look at this house. Do you have the right to dream in vain?"
Mom tore apart my little dream. I also used sharp words to pierce her heart:
"It was my mother who dragged me along to suffer with her! If I stayed with my father, he would definitely pay!"
At that moment, mother's face turned white. Her whole body tensed up and shouted angrily:
"Go away! If you want, go back and find him!"
She pushed me out and slammed the door shut.
"You ungrateful thing! Go away!"
10
Unfortunately, at that time I was also angry, not realizing my mother's voice behind the door was shaking slightly. I ran to Uncle Chu's house at the beginning of the village. Every night, he drove his tricycle to the district to make money. I lied to my uncle that my mother told him to give me a ride to the district to find my father. I brought an angry stomach to my father's house. They are preparing to have dinner. The table was full of delicious food, and there was also an unopened cake. It turns out, today is my son's birthday. The birthday cake that I never had was something my father bought to please his new wife's son. He can buy a birthday cake for his stepdaughter, so surely he will also spend money for his own daughter? I took a deep breath, sniffled, and explained why I came here. Dad frowned:
“Your mother is right, this is a waste of money.”
Aunt came out of the kitchen and gave me a coin.
“Baby Boi, can you go to the street and buy me a pack of salt?”
The grocery store at the beginning of the street is very far away. By the time I finished buying salt and returned, the door was tightly closed. I knocked on the door again and again
c. Inside, the sound of Happy Birthday rang out. I heard the joyful laughter of the child receiving a gift. I heard my aunt's cold voice say:
"If you dare to open the door and let him in today, ruining the atmosphere, then don't expect to step foot in this house again in the future."
Oh my God. I understood too late. Or perhaps, I always cover my ears and deceive others. This door was never for me. I wandered along the street again and again. Surrounded by children being taken out to play by their parents. As for me, I'm alone. As time passed, the people passing by became less and less. Only the half moon remained quietly high above, illuminating my lonely silhouette in the night. When I was young, I was very afraid of the dark. Whenever I have to go out at night, my mother always holds my hand tightly. One time she accidentally slipped and fell into a ditch, but the first thing she said was:
“Mom is here, don't be afraid.”
Remembering that moment, I miss my mother to the extreme. Perhaps it was because of the anger that remained, or perhaps it was the recklessness of youth. I just followed the moonlight, walking alone from the district to the village. The mountain road was deserted, only the sound of lost birds chirping. I bowed my head and walked for a long time, my stomach was hungry, my legs felt like they were filled with lead. But the road ahead seems endless, with no end in sight. At this moment, from a distance, a figure on a bicycle rushed towards me. I was afraid of meeting bad guys, so I quickly hid in the shade of a tree. But the closer I got, the more familiar that figure became.
11
Tears flowed from my eyes, my voice was hoarse:
“Mom…”
Mom slammed on the brakes, swung her hand and patted me hard on the head. While shedding tears, she scolded:
"Are you so bold now? You can't help but trick Uncle Chu, but you dare to go on the mountain road alone at night!"
"You don't want to live anymore? A few years ago on this street, several girls went missing, don't you know?"
When I got home, it was almost dawn. Mom cooked me a big bowl of noodles. While I ate, she bowed her head and flipped through the exercise book I left on the table. Her fingers lightly touched the table top, drawing a few random lines. My memory of my mother is of a woman with silky black hair. But under the bright white light, her mother's hair roots were dry and frazzled, with a few gray strands that had appeared for some time. She said softly:
"I only finished fifth grade and then quit. Now I can't understand your lessons anymore."
"Previously, my mother was the best student in the class. The teacher said that if she kept up her form, she could later enter intermediate school."
"But that year my grandmother passed away. My grandfather said my daughter didn't need to study much and had to give the opportunity to her son."
Mom stopped for a moment, then asked:
“Do you still remember Aunt Tu?”
“Yes, I remember.”
Every Tet, she returns home with trendy curly hair and wears brand new clothes. My aunt often brings me piles of old clothes that she finds in the city. Mother smiled faintly:
"That year, Aunt Tu's grades were even lower than her mother's. But she finished high school, was assigned a job, married in the city, and settled down there."
“And mom... If she had gone to middle school, or at least finished middle school, she probably wouldn't have married your father.”
She looked at me, her eyes filled with tears.
“Baby Boi, if you study well, you will become a person like Aunt Tu.”
“If you don't study, you will become someone like me.”
"I'm not good at anything. Besides raising my children and studying, I don't know if there is any other way..."
That night, in my dream
I am the door I knocked until I tore my fingers but still wouldn't open. Mother's eyes filled with tears. When I woke up in the morning, I discovered that there was a stack of change on the chair next to the bed, counting exactly fifty yuan. I took the money and ran to the kitchen to find my mother. She is preparing breakfast for me.
“Mom, this money…”
12
“Money to buy costumes!” She glared at me. "Hold it carefully! If you lose it, I'll break your legs!"
The performance was held at the district cultural house. Each participating student has an invitation ticket for their parents. Mom conveniently threw it on the table:
"Don't go! I'll be so busy!"
Before the show, there was a photographer holding a camera to market to parents:
"Ten yuan a piece, not expensive! Such an important moment, we must keep it as a souvenir!"
I thought to myself: If my mother heard it, she would definitely scold him for being so handsome and even spit in his face. It's my turn to go on stage. The lights were bright, all eyes were on me. At the end of the dance, in the moment of bowing to the audience, I accidentally saw my mother. She sat in a dark corner at the end of the hall. She wore the most beautiful clothes - clothes that normally only people wear when going to celebrate the New Year. She was clapping vigorously. After the performance, there was an awards ceremony, which lasted until five o'clock in the afternoon. Our performance won second prize, each person was given a fountain pen. In winter it gets dark early. When I left the cultural house, all around had fallen into darkness. The photographer stood under the lamppost waving:
“Whoever ordered the photo, come get it!”
Mom quickly jostled with the other parents. A moment later, she walked out with a red face and sweat on her forehead. Her hand holds a photo. She held it out under the streetlight, looked back and forth for a long time, then concluded:
“This photo is not taken well, I lost ten yuan.”
I said:
“Mom, bring it back, it costs a lot of money.”
She immediately put the photo in her pocket:
"People have already washed it, how can they pay it back?"
Returning to the village, everyone complimented him on his beautiful photo.
“Baby Boi looks so pretty with makeup…”
Mother immediately objected:
"It's not a good photo! She looked even prettier when she performed. There were hundreds of people dancing with her, but my daughter stood out the most!"
But as soon as she turned around and saw me standing behind her, she immediately turned serious:
"This time, consider it a one-time loss of money. From now on, you must focus on studying, understand?"
It wasn't until I was older that I understood that many parents were like my mother. They don't have much education, they are busy making a living every day. Their parents have never taught them how to express love, so they don't know how to express it, or perhaps they are not used to it, and even feel shy when showing affection to their children. Their love is like a candy wrapped in broken glass. If you're not careful, you'll only remember the pain and bleeding, but forget that there's still sweetness inside. Actually, me too. I want to tell my mother:
"Mom, now I understand your suffering. I will try to study well."
“I will leave this village, then take mother with me.”
But, I couldn't say anything. The performance dress is too gorgeous, so it cannot be worn on a daily basis. Mom folded it neatly and hung it neatly in the closet. Every year, on the hottest summer days, she took it out, washed it, dried it, and kept muttering:
"What did I say at that time? It's true that you can only wear it once and then put it away..."
Session
That performance not only changed me, but also changed my mother. She realized that even if she plowed and hoeed a small field in the countryside until she died, she still could not produce "golden eggs". The area where we live has a lot of bamboo, and soon there will be an investor who will open a bamboo furniture factory. My mother urged me to take the entrance exam to a private middle school in the district, and she intended to apply for a job in a factory. I asked worriedly:
"There are many good schools in the district. Is my score like this enough?"
Mother shouted:
"Try it and you'll know! This Kim Ngoc Phan doesn't raise useless children!"
The villagers were in an uproar.
"What does she think? Baby Boi is not an excellent student, so how dare you send him to the district to study middle school?"
"Going to the district to live, live, and travel costs several hundred a month. Where do you get the money?"
"What a crazy person. After putting so much effort into raising my daughter, I finally married someone else!"
My grandmother laughed hysterically:
“How many marriages has she invented as an excuse to send her children to college?”
“I see she just remembers and never forgets my Thanh!”
"Are you saying you're sending Baby Boi to the district to study? I think you're going to the district to find Thanh!"
“If little Boi gets into middle school in the district, I swear I will write my name upside down!”
My dad is worse.
"Your mother's temper is like a cesspool. Only a man who has had four wives in a row and still can't marry anyone would accept her!"
“Tell your mother to stop dreaming about remarrying me!”
13
Looking at his triumphant appearance, I almost vomited last night's dinner. I must win this opportunity. Not only for myself, but also for my mother. My mother bought me a lot of advanced exercise books. I do my best to solve each difficult problem. But the teachers in the village have limited qualifications. Many times I brought the homework to ask, the teacher thought for half a day and then gave the wrong answer. The educational path is both narrow and full of weeds, I can only find my way step by step. Mom also applied for a job at a bamboo factory. But because she had not finished primary school, she was rejected. I thought she would give up, but unexpectedly she immediately went and bought a stack of books about the characteristics and uses of bamboo.
"It's very difficult to rely on your wooden head for me to enjoy happiness. Mom still has to take care of herself."
In the evening, when I was doing the review outline, my mother also sat next to me and read a book. Many words she did not know, so she had to read and look up in the dictionary. The villagers secretly gossiped behind their backs:
"Does she want to go back to school? She's old enough to read books?"
“If you want to go to the city to make money, wash dishes, sweep the streets, and work as a maid!”
"What are you doing going to the bamboo factory? Reading books every day, and you haven't finished elementary school yet. Can you read and understand?"
My grandmother sarcastically said:
"Women should stay at home, grow crops and raise animals, daydreaming all day long. Luckily, Thanh divorced her!"
A hot summer day. The seven-seat passenger bus crammed up to fifteen people. My mother and I also crowded inside. I went to the district to take the entrance exam for Thanh Nam Secondary School, and my mother went for another interview at the bamboo factory. When she took me to the school gate, my mother patted my shoulder and said firmly:
"If they think we can't do it, we have to make them see better!"
“Baby Boi, I'm not afraid!”
In the exam room, the ceiling fan whirred, but my palms were still sweaty. Grandma's sarcastic words, her mother's words about not raising useless children, kept ringing in her ears. I took a deep breath and started
You hold a pen and do your homework. Mom. This Kim Boi is not useless! After finishing the exam, when I returned to the village, every day a group of aunts came to "educate" me:
"Studying in the district is very expensive. I'm not an exceptionally smart child, so why waste money?"
"Your mother has had a hard time raising her child alone. After finishing middle school in town and then going to work to earn money to show her respect, that's enough!"
"That's right! Your mother should remarry and have another son, so that later there will be someone to take care of her old age."
Grandma took a toothpick and smirked:
“My mother reads books all the time but doesn't make a name for herself, the bamboo factory doesn't even accept her.”
"Both mother and daughter are destined to be just a bunch of country people with their faces stuck in the mud, and still dreaming and dreaming, do they want to go to the city? What a myth!"
I was so angry that my whole body was shaking.
"What does it have to do with you guys? I don't eat your rice!"
The aunts immediately gathered around and scolded me for being uneducated and daring to argue with adults.