Chapter 1 — Ten Years in the Palace

In the tenth year after fulfilling my wish to become empress, I had grown somewhat weary. I no longer summoned the concubines from the various palaces to pay their morning respects at the Phoenix Pavilion, nor did I check to see whose bamboo tally Qin Yan Zhi had flipped over for the night. Even when the palace maid brought me the bitter concoction to prevent conception, I drained the bowl to the last drop without so much as a frown.

As night descended and the shadows lengthened, Qin Yan Zhi arrived at the Phoenix Pavilion, stopping by the low bedside to call out to me in a low voice.

"I left the palace today because Yun Zhi was injured."

"She was chasing a flower-stealing scoundrel down a narrow alley, and her arm took a slash from a blade."

"She has grown accustomed to the wild, unrestrained ways of the martial world; had I not gone after her, she would have stubbornly pushed herself too far."

I pushed back the quilt and shifted slightly inward.

"It is nothing. Go to sleep. You must attend the morning court tomorrow."

Qin Yan Zhi looked momentarily startled.

"You truly are not going to make an issue of this?"

I nodded in silence. Who does not harbor a bright, unforgettable moonlight in their heart? How wonderfully coincidental it was that my own moonlight had also returned to the capital.

Qin Yan Zhi remained standing by the bed, motionless for a long while.

"I am the emperor. I cannot simply stand by and watch her wreak havoc in the capital."

At last, I opened my eyes and offered a faint, fleeting smile.

"Your Majesty is truly benevolent."

I glanced at the dark crimson smear of rouge staining his sleeve. Shen Yun Zhi had always favored that particular shade. Back then, the Shen family wished to send a daughter into the palace, and Shen Yun Zhi had knelt before me, weeping as she begged for my mercy.

"Elder sister, I still long to roam the rivers and lakes freely. Would you take my place in the palace selection?"

I went in her stead. Afterwards, I became the empress, while she remained as free as the wind. Night after night, Qin Yan Zhi slipped out of the palace to meet her, the two of them living out a carefree romance in the outside world, while I alone was imprisoned within these towering palace walls.

Qin Yan Zhi reached out a hand, intending to touch my face. I tilted my head to avoid his touch. His hand froze in mid-air, but after a moment, he withdrew it and pulled a small oil-paper parcel from his sleeve. Unfolding the paper, he revealed a small sugar figurine shaped like a rabbit, its ears slightly askew and already beginning to melt.

"I saw this on my way back to the palace."

"The contraceptive medicine is bitter."

"Eat something sweet."

I looked down at the sugar rabbit, utterly at a loss for what expression to wear. In the past, when I told him I liked such things, he had scolded me, saying that food from outside the imperial grounds was unclean and that an empress should not indulge her appetite. I did not reach out to take it.

"My thanks to Your Majesty."

Qin Yan Zhi furrowed his brow.

"Shen Qing, I have personally brought something back for you."

"What more could you possibly want?"

"Are you still harboring resentment over Yun Zhi?"

Of course I had harbored resentment. On our wedding night, Shen Yun Zhi had sent a messenger into the palace, declaring that she intended to eradicate a bandit lair. The moment Qin Yan Zhi had untied his outer robes and heard her name, he immediately stood up. I had asked him:

"Must you go right this very moment?"

He had replied: "You know her temperament well enough; she has never feared heaven or earth. If no one holds her back tonight, she will truly take up her sword and charge up that mountain. After all, she is your younger sister; it is only right that I, as your husband, keep watch over her for your sake."

That night, he did not return until dawn. A very faint scratch marked his collar. He explained that Shen Yun Zhi had caused a ruckus and refused to return, and in the midst of their struggle, she had accidentally scratched him. I had once made a scene; I had once wept bitterly. Eventually, I grew too weary to even ask.

Qin Yan Zhi still seemed inclined to explain further when the eunuch's voice suddenly pierced the quiet from outside the hall.

"Your Majesty, someone has come from the residence of the second young lady of the Shen family."

"They report that the second young lady scaled the wall to leave the estate, leaving behind word that she intends to ride out of the city gates tonight to settle accounts with those bandits."

The expression on Qin Yan Zhi's face shifted dramatically. I simply closed my eyes once more.

"Go."

He did not move. I spoke again:

"Lest the second young lady truly charge into the mountains, and Your Majesty blames me tomorrow for delaying your departure."

Qin Yan Zhi said in a low, heavy voice, "Shen Qing, must you always speak in such veiled, sarcastic tones?"

I remained silent. At that exact moment, a dull, dragging ache settled deep in my lower abdomen. I frowned and forced it down. Even if I spoke of it, he would not care.

In the end, Qin Yan Zhi left. Before stepping out, he tossed back a final remark:

"Rest well, and do not use your health to throw tantrums against me."

The palace doors closed with a heavy thud, and suddenly three light taps echoed against the windowpane. A piece of jade pendant was pushed through the gap in the window. Engraved on the back of the jade was a single character: Xie.

I stared at it for a very long time. Three years ago, Xie Lin had died in battle at the northern frontier, leaving not even a trace of his bones. Pressed beneath the jade was a scrap of paper bearing a single line of ink.

"Shen Qing, if there is no one in the palace to protect you, I will come."

A scorching heat welled up in the corners of my eyes as I carefully tucked the jade pendant beneath my pillow.

Early the following morning, Shen Yun Zhi entered the palace. The moment she stepped into the Phoenix Pavilion, she wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"It is still as stifling as ever in my elder sister's quarters."

She looked around, then let out a laugh. "If I were to stay here for three days, I suspect I wouldn't even be able to hold a sword anymore."

I leaned against the soft couch, offering no reply. Qin Yan Zhi walked in beside her. He had not even changed out of his court robes, clearly having gone straight to the palace gates to welcome her the moment morning court was dismissed.

Shen Yun Zhi stepped closer, stopping right before me.

"Elder sister, why is your complexion so poor?"

As soon as the words left her mouth, she tapped her lips as if suddenly remembering something. "Look at me, I am far too accustomed to speaking my mind in the martial world."

"Elder sister has been empress for so many years, burdened with countless rules and endless worries; it is only natural that your health is suffering."

I replied, "I have been taking medicine, so it is inevitable."

Qin Yan Zhi's expression shifted slightly. Shen Yun Zhi blinked her eyes wide.

"Is it that contraceptive medicine?"

"I only mentioned it casually the other day—if elder sister were to bear a child, His Majesty would spend even less time coming out of the palace to accompany me."

"I never expected that he would actually have someone send it to you."

She lowered her gaze, her voice softening just a fraction. "Elder sister is not truly taking this to heart, are you?"

I shook my head. "Not at all."

She immediately reached out to tug at Qin Yan Zhi's sleeve. "Look, I told you elder sister wouldn't care to be bothered with me."

"She wasn't like this in the past."

"She used to lead me over walls, teach me to ride horses, and whenever anyone bullied me, she was always the very first to charge forward."

She laughed with carefree abandon. "Now that she is empress, it is as though she has turned into a completely different person."

Qin Yan Zhi furrowed his brow. "Qing Qing's health is delicate; do not disturb her."

Though the words were spoken in reprimand, the tone with which he looked down at her had already softened entirely. Shen Yun Zhi raised her head to meet his gaze.

"How wonderful it would be if you were not the emperor."

Silence fell over the hall. Then she laughed softly.

"Then you could accompany me to live as a wanderer of the martial world, riding horses down to Jiangnan and traveling all the way to the northern frontiers."

"We would right wrongs wherever we found them, and strike down every villain in our path."

"There would be no palace walls, and no people constantly kneeling back and forth."

Qin Yan Zhi chuckled as well. "You are as wild as ever."

I lowered my gaze. Her horsemanship had been taught to her by me. Yet later on, everyone praised her for her vibrant, untamed spirit, while dismissing me as gloomy and lifeless. Truth be told, I had never cared for these towering palace walls either.

Suddenly, a heavy, pulling pain wrenched at my lower abdomen. As I clutched the edge of the bed, my teacup slipped from my fingers and shattered against the floorboards. Only then did Qin Yan Zhi snap back to attention.

"Qing Qing?"

He reached out to support me, but I shrank away from his touch. "I am fine."

His expression darkened. "Who told you to drink so much of that contraceptive medicine?"

I raised my eyes to look at him. "It was medicine bestowed by Your Majesty; how would this concubine dare to disobey an imperial decree?"

Qin Yan Zhi stiffened. Shen Yun Zhi hastily pulled at his sleeve.

"Do not be harsh with elder sister. She has been trapped in the palace for too long, and her heart is heavy."

"Unlike me, whenever I am unhappy, I just have a good fight and it is over and done with."

Qin Yan Zhi stared intently at me, his voice growing raspy. "Shen Qing, you could have made a scene."

"In the past, if I ever had contraceptive medicine sent to you, you would smash the bowl."

"If I told you to drink calming medicine, you would complain of the bitterness and refuse to touch it under any circumstances."

"How was I to know that this time you would actually drink it all?"

I looked at him. I had almost forgotten that I, too, had once been just as vibrant and full of life.

Qin Yan Zhi let out a cold laugh. "It was you who nodded in agreement to enter the palace all those years ago."

"Now that you are empress, enjoying all the glory and wealth, you act as though I owe you a debt."

"A few days ago, when Yun Zhi and I went to the porridge-distribution tent in the southern city, she saw the commoners suffering from the cold and stripped off her own cloak right on the spot."

"She even said that if she possessed the gold, silver, and ornaments kept within the palace, she would have long since traded them all for grain."

"And what of you? You know nothing of the world outside, sitting here in the Phoenix Pavilion to lament your fate and curse the heavens."

Shen Yun Zhi’s complexion turned momentarily pale. After all, the silver used to fund those porridge tents had come from my own personal treasury. It was only due to my status that I could not leave the palace grounds myself.

I simply nodded. "Your Majesty speaks the truth."

Qin Yan Zhi suddenly stood up. "I have no desire to look at this half-dead state of yours."

He pulled Shen Yun Zhi along with him as he strode out. As the palace doors closed behind them, a sharp, agonizing cramp tore through my lower abdomen. Warm blood began to trickle down the hem of my skirt.

Thui Thui was frightened to the point of tears as she scrambled to summon the imperial physician. The physician arrived with great haste, but the moment he took my pulse, all the color drained from his face.

"Her Majesty is hemorrhaging, the child has..."

I nodded slowly. "I know."

With tears streaming down her face, Thui Thui asked, "Shall I go and summon His Majesty?"

I shook my head. "There is no need."

Ten years. This was my very first child, and the final thread tying me to these palace walls. Now that it was gone, perhaps it was for the best.

On the third day after I began bleeding, Qin Yan Zhi came to the Phoenix Pavilion. Behind him trailed a line of attendants bearing lavish bolts of silk and a set of horse riding tack. I recognized several of those items. The East China Sea phoenix hairpin had been bestowed upon me by the empress dowager on the day I was invested as empress. The cloud-brocade cloak was the one Qin Yan Zhi had personally draped over my shoulders on my birthday. And that set of riding gear had once belonged to the prized steed I loved most of all. Before entering the palace, I would often ride it beyond the city gates. As the wind rushed past my ears, I had once believed that nothing in this world could ever confine me.

Later on, Qin Yan Zhi had declared that an empress should be dignified and composed, and that she ought not to spend her days thinking of riding out of the palace. The stables were promptly locked away.

Qin Yan Zhi glanced at me, his tone uncharacteristically gentle.

"Yun Zhi will be entering the palace in a few days; these things are to be temporarily transferred to her."

I nodded. "Very well."

"She is accustomed to freedom outside, and is unacquainted with the items kept in the palace."

"Very well."

"She is very fond of that horse."

"Very well."

He stared at me intently for a long moment, then suddenly let out a low laugh.

"Yun Zhi has agreed."

"She has agreed to marry me."

I nodded once more. "Congratulations to Your Majesty."

Qin Yan Zhi looked as though he were waiting for me to throw a tantrum, waiting for me to question him, waiting for me to shatter the trays of gifts. But all I said was:

"Your Majesty is about to become the happiest bridegroom in all the realm."

The amusement in the depths of his eyes faded slightly. In the end, he only managed to say: "Take good care of your health."

After he departed, the palace maids murmured quietly behind the gauze curtains.

"The second young lady of the Shen family is truly blessed. For her sake, His Majesty has even overturned ancestral precedents."

"Nominally she is made a noble consort, yet she is not required to reside permanently in the palace; she may come and go as she pleases."

"The wedding banquet is even being held at a private estate outside the city walls, on the grounds that the second young lady dislikes palace walls and must not be made to suffer any grievances."

Another maid sighed softly. "Yet all those years ago, her majesty the empress disliked the palace walls just as much."

"His Majesty declared that her majesty should be dignified, forbidding her from riding horses or stepping foot outside the palace, and denying even a few days' visit back to the Shen residence."

"Now that it is the second young lady, she is suddenly praised as an unconstrained daughter of the martial world."

I opened my eyes, staring up at the canopy of the bed. The wedding banquet was being held outside the palace. That meant I, too, would finally be able to leave these walls.

I called Thui Thui to my side.

"On the day of the wedding banquet, prepare a simple, lightweight set of traveling clothes for me."

Thui Thui’s eyes instantly turned red.