Chapter 9 — The General's Path

Under the terrified gazes of the Madam of the House and Shen Zhihan, the old Duke pondered the protection the Princess of Zhennan had extended toward me. He recalled the look in Li Tai’s eyes—a gaze bordering on madness whenever he looked my way. With a sharp command, the Duke silenced them. He turned to me, weighing each word with deliberate, agonizing caution:

"Ngoc Nung, trust your father. I will provide you with an explanation that will satisfy you."

The night before the female official entrance examination, Li Tai slipped into my quarters under the shroud of darkness. I caught the faint, cloying scent of an aphrodisiac lingering on his hands, and my heart turned to ice. I remembered my past life, when a staged incident had left me in his bed; upon waking, his eyes had been filled with unconcealed disgust. In this life, the roles had reversed, and it was he who sought to entrap me. In that previous existence, such a moment had only occurred once between us, and that first physical encounter was far from a pleasant memory. Later, Shen Danxue had summoned my former foster parents—people who had abused me—to stage a public confrontation. I had refused to kowtow or offer gratitude for the "nurturing kindness" of those who had nearly sold me into a brothel. She had labeled me ungrateful, disloyal, and filial-deficient. My foster parents had openly slandered me before the world, claiming that back in Qi Zhou, I had already been defiled by a local hooligan, which was why that wretch had dared to act so insolently during my coming-of-age ceremony. Li Tai believed them. He deemed me soiled and manipulative, refusing to touch me ever again. Yet, at this moment, he pressed me hard against the wall. His hot breath brushed against my ear, his voice raspy and strained:

"If I had not come tonight, then after tomorrow, I fear even catching a glimpse of you would be impossible."

His hand wandered toward my waist, his voice dropping to a low, intense murmur:

"Ngoc Nung, do not fear me so."

"Relax. I promise that, soon, I will make you... feel quite comfortable."

His only answer was the sudden, sharp withdrawal of my hairpin, which I plunged directly into the side of my own neck.

"Ngoc Nung!"

As blood bloomed, Li Tai’s pupils constricted. Ignoring the wound the sharp pin had torn into his own hand, he fought desperately to wrestle the hairpin away. Yet, colder than my blood were the tears that fell from my eyes. After he seized the hairpin, he pinned my wrists above my head, kissing the tracks of my tears.

"Is it bitter?"

Almost immediately, he recoiled as if struck by an invisible blow, his head throbbing as if it might shatter. When he opened his eyes again, they were clouded with a crushing weight of regret. It was as if he had finally seen the truth of everything, but it was far too late. He remembered everything from our previous life—the parts he had been too afraid to face and too stubborn to admit. After a long silence, he finally released me. Before departing, he spoke, his voice heavy with desperate refusal:

"During your coming-of-age ceremony in that past life, I was not drugged at all."

"I did it to you on purpose..."

"Because I could not bear the thought of another man touching you."

Li Tai believed he had not been entirely devoid of affection for me. It was merely that, in our past life, he had not seen his own heart clearly until I was already dead. I turned my back to him, straightening my robes, and dismantled the facade of affection he had built for himself.

"You are mistaken. You never loved me."

"In truth... you knew the reality long ago, did you not?"

I spun around, my voice colder than the moonlight.

"You were raised in the lap of luxury; you had only to look once to know the difference."

"Between my jade pendant and that of Shen Danxue, you knew which was truly ancient."

"But you chose not to expose it."

"Because you felt that the version of me from my past life was disgraced and beneath you."

"You did not want to admit that the savior you had searched for so long..."

"Was someone so lowly, someone unfit to step into your refined world."

My words struck Li Tai like nails, pinning him to the spot. His complexion turned a deathly, ashen grey. Finally, he vanished into the shadows, his presence fading away more quietly than he had arrived, like a breeze dissipating into nothingness. The next morning, I picked up my book case and walked out of the courtyard. The Princess of Zhennan was there to see me off. I stepped into the carriage bound for the palace. The wind was crisp, the clouds thin, and the sunlight soft—a perfect day for an examination.

The day Li Tai left the capital, he sent a letter. It contained only one line:

"If the world were at peace and the people fed, perhaps lost children like you would be treated with kindness."

He took a horse and a sword and set off for the northern frontier. There, he concealed his identity, beginning his life anew as the most common of garrison soldiers. On the day the golden list was posted, I saw my name at the top. At that very moment, I encountered Shen Danxue again. She was dressed in an ostentatiously flamboyant manner, drinking tea with the newly appointed Minister of the Board of War, Wang Bin—an elderly man who had recently lost his wife. Their gestures were intimate, far beyond the bounds of propriety. I watched in stunned silence before seeing Shen Zhihan rush out, his eyes red with fury. He grabbed Shen Danxue’s sleeve, his voice trembling:

"A-Xue, why would you treat me like this?"

"Did you never truly... not even halfheartedly, feel anything for me?"