Chapter 1 — A Lifetime's Delayed Longing

When I died alone and forgotten in the desolate courtyard of the Huo estate, my maternal family sent only an old matron to convey their final message. She brought words from my own mother, saying that for these past few years I had brought nothing but endless unrest to both families, and now that I was finally gone, it could at least be considered leaving a quiet path for the living. My eldest brother did not even deign to light a single stick of incense before my spirit tablet. He had said, with a cold heart, that I had stolen Huan Yu's destined marriage, and bringing myself to such a wretched end was entirely my own doing.

Huo Qingci was even more ruthless. He ordered his servants to tear down the red curtains of mourning right away, remarking indifferently that Huan Yu was of delicate health, and once my brief mourning period had passed, he would officially welcome her into the manor as his bride. In my past life, I had been absurdly obsessed. I had known full well that Huo Qingci's heart belonged to another, yet I feigned illness, threw myself into the lake, and created such a scandalous uproar throughout the entire capital that he was forced into marrying me against his will. For five long years of marriage, I had begged, I had wept, and I had even used my own life as a desperate gamble, yet in the end, not even death could buy me a single lingering glance from him.

When I opened my eyes once more, I found myself miraculously returned to the very day of the imperial palace selection for female officials. The Empress had looked down from her high seat and asked if I wished to remain in the capital. In my previous life, I had pleaded with her to bestow upon me a marriage with Huo Qingci. This time, however, I lowered my head and answered calmly that this humble maiden wished to enter the Palace Directorate. Palace regulations were strict, and female officials were strictly forbidden from marrying of their own accord. From then on, Huo Qingci would no longer need to be burdened by me, and Huan Yu would no longer have to wait for my death to take my place.

The smoke of incense inside the grand hall was faint and thin. The Empress sat behind a veil of pearl beads, a thick roster of female officials resting near her hand. I knelt upon the vermilion tiles, stray tendrils of hair brushing against my forehead, while my fingertips, hidden deep within my sleeves, dug relentlessly into my palms. It hurt. This body was still young; my fingertips were rounded, my palms soft. There was neither the severe edema of prolonged illness nor the lingering, marrow-deep chill before death—that biting cold which no amount of warmth could ever drive away. The Empress gently turned a page, her voice mild and measured.

Ruan Tangwan, your father mentioned that you have always applied yourself diligently to your books since childhood. If you truly wish to remain in the capital, this palace can select a favorable match for you.

I kept my head bowed. In my past life, I had waited far too long for those words. Back then, I had lifted my head, weeping as I begged the Empress to grant me to Huo Qingci. Every official and palace attendant in the hall had stared at me as my knees grew numb and my voice cracked from crying. Your Majesty, this humble maiden and the young master Huo grew up together since childhood. In this lifetime, my only wish is to be his wife. It was true that we had known each other since youth. It was equally true that he loathed me. The one he loved was Suo Hanyu, an orphan left behind by my mother's dearest friend, who had lived under our roof for many years. She was gentle, quiet, and frail, her every cough enough to wring anyone's heart. But I had been willful since I was small; wherever she retreated, I pressed forward, and the more her eyes reddened, the more fiercely I fought to win.

Later, I made such a public spectacle that the whole city whispered, forcing the Empress to issue the decree. The Huo family dared not defy the imperial will, and neither did Huo Qingci. On our wedding day, even his wedding robes felt freezing to the touch. When the bridal veil was lifted, he gave me only one look and asked if I was finally satisfied. Back then, I foolishly believed we had a lifetime ahead of us. Now, having lived through it all, I realized just how fleeting those years truly were—five years in a freezing courtyard, surviving on bitter medicine, sleeping on a desolate bed, and enduring the contemptuous stares of every servant in the manor. By the time I died, I did not even receive a clean wooden coffin.

The Empress waited a moment before speaking again. You do not wish to marry?

I pressed my forehead against the cold floor. This humble maiden wishes to enter the Palace Directorate.

Silence descended behind the pearl curtains. The roster of female officials was closed with a soft, deliberate rustle. The Empress seemed genuinely surprised. Do you realize that once you enter the Directorate, you hold an official rank? Palace rules are stringent, leaving the grounds is difficult, and female officials are forbidden from marrying.

This humble maiden knows.

You will not regret it?

I closed my eyes. The words Huo Qingci had uttered before my spirit tablet in the other life scraped like freezing wind across my ears—had she known this sooner, everyone would have been spared years of suffering. I replied in a soft whisper that I had no regrets.

The Empress studied me for a long time before finally telling me to raise my head. I complied. She peered at me through the beads, her gaze sharp and probing. This palace hears that you used to be quite close to the young master of the Huo family.

I lowered my gaze. In our youth, we were foolish and often troubled the young master.

And now you understand?

I gave a slight nod. I understand.

The Empress tapped her fingernail lightly against the register. The Palace Directorate does not accept people seeking refuge from trouble, nor does it harbor those acting out of momentary spite.

My spine stiffened. The Empress continued, if you enter the palace, you must rely entirely on your own abilities to survive. You will start as the lowest-ranking junior scribe, spending your days checking ledgers, copying records, and managing inventories. A single stroke out of place will bring punishment.

Paradoxically, a wave of relief washed over me. This humble maiden is willing.

Punished for a single misplaced stroke—that sounded wonderful. The palace rules were clear and absolute. Wrongdoing brought direct consequences, unlike the Huo family, where my very existence was a crime, and eventually, even breathing became an offense.

A faint smile touched the Empress's lips. Very well. You shall report to the Palace Directorate in three days.

I touched my head to the ground. This humble maiden expresses her gratitude to Your Majesty.

As I stepped out of the palace, a brisk wind swept across the long stone steps. The towering crimson walls stood solemn and majestic against the sky. Lingshuang supported my arm, her voice still trembling. My lady, do you truly wish to enter the palace as a female official?

Yes.

But female officials cannot marry.

I offered a quiet smile. Then that is all for the best.

Her eyes grew damp as she looked at me. But wasn't this the exact opposite of what you desired most before?

I paused. At the foot of the long staircase, Huo Qingci was standing outside the palace gates. Today he wore a bamboo-green brocade robe, his posture upright, his expression cold and aloof. Suo Hanyu stood beside him, draped in a light white cloak, her complexion slightly pale as she tightly clutched a handkerchief. Upon seeing me, she was the first to speak. Elder Sister Tangwan.

Huo Qingci's gaze locked onto me. What are you doing in the palace?

I offered him a formal court salute. Young Master Huo.

He furrowed his brow, seemingly unaccustomed to this chilling distance. In the past, every time we met, I would run up to him and call out his name with a soft voice and a turbulent heart. I spoke evenly, Her Majesty has bestowed her grace, permitting me to assume the post of junior scribe in the Palace Directorate.

Suo Hanyu started, the handkerchief in her grip twisting sharply. Huo Qingci's expression shifted as well. Junior scribe?

Yes.

Have you lost your mind?

I raised my eyes to meet his. Young Master Huo, watch your tongue. Before the palace gates, one must not show disrespect.

He flinched as though struck by my words. Unwilling to linger, I turned to leave, but Suo Hanyu's soft voice drifted over. Is elder sister still blaming me?

I halted. The corners of her eyes were already red. If it was because I accidentally took your medicine when I fell ill earlier, causing you to take refuge in the palace, I can speak with your mother and move to the detached villa.

It was always like this. With a single sentence, she placed herself in the most pitiful position imaginable. In the past, I would have flown into a rage, telling her to stop pretending to be aggrieved, reminding her that I had begged for that medicine, accusing her of deliberately upsetting my mother. And everyone would frown while Huo Qingci stepped protectively in front of her, demanding why I had to bicker over a single bowl of medicine when she was so frail.

This time, however, I merely replied, Suo girl, you overthink things. Entering the palace is my own choice, and it has nothing to do with you.

Tears pooled in her eyes, trembling on the verge of falling. Elder sister…

I cut her off. From now on, as I serve within the palace walls, Suo girl should no longer address me in such a manner. It would breach protocol.

Without another word, I led Lingshuang down the long steps. Huo Qingci's gaze remained burning against my back, but I did not look back once.

When I returned to the Ruan family estate, my mother already knew the news. In the main hall, my father, mother, and eldest brother Ruan Shiyi were all gathered. Suo Hanyu had arrived before me and was seated beside my mother, her eyes still pink-rimmed. Upon seeing me, my eldest brother's expression darkened instantly. Ruan Tangwan, what kind of trouble are you stirring up now?

The question was painfully familiar. In my past life, every time I caused a scene, he would ask the exact same thing. When I forced Huo Qingci to marry me, he asked it. When I died and he sent a straw mat instead of a proper coffin, claiming I had brought it on myself, he believed it. Back then, I hated him—hated that someone who had doted on me in childhood could refuse to light even a single stick of incense for my soul. But looking at his youthful face now, the hatred faded into a dull ache. I had dragged him down for many years, just as he had protected me for many years.

My mother spoke first, her voice tight. Did you really beg the Empress to send you to the Palace Directorate?

I bowed. Yes.

My mother's eyes instantly reddened. Do you still resent me for giving that medicine to Hanyu?

My eldest brother frowned. Are you throwing away your entire life just out of spite over a single bowl of medicine?

Suo Hanyu hurriedly interjected, Eldest brother, do not scold elder sister. Had I known she needed it, I never would have accepted it.

My mother patted her hand gently. Your body is delicate; what you took, you needed. She has always been stubborn and thick-skinned; what harm is there in missing a single bowl?

I listened quietly. That sentence, too, was an echo from the past. After I married, when I fell gravely ill and the Huo family sent someone to my maiden home for medicinal herbs, my mother knew those herbs could save my life, but her first question had been whether Hanyu was still coughing. Then, the box of medicine was sent straight to Suo Hanyu, who wept as she claimed she never meant to steal my cure, though she drank it all the same.

I looked at my mother and replied softly, Mother is right. My skin is thick. I can endure the palace as well.

My brother's face grew even uglier. Tangwan, stop speaking in such a mocking tone.

I smiled faintly. Eldest brother, I am not mocking anyone. I simply realize that with me in this manor, no one ever finds peace. Once I enter the palace, Mother will no longer have to feel torn between me and Hanyu. Eldest brother will not have to clean up my messes day after day. And Young Master Huo will no longer be plagued by my persistent entanglements. Isn't this for the best?

The hall fell into a heavy silence. Finally, a tear slipped down Suo Hanyu's cheek. Must elder sister speak in a way that leaves me no dignity to live?

A deep fatigue washed over me. In the past, I would have argued back. Now, I simply lacked the energy. Suo girl, if it upsets you to hear it, then do not listen. I will leave in three days.

My mother clutched her chest. Are you truly leaving?

I knelt upon the floor. This unfilial daughter will likely be unable to serve by your knees for the next three years. May Father and Mother take good care of yourselves.

My father remained silent for a long time. He had never cared much for domestic affairs, and in the past, whenever I caused chaos, he would simply frown and tell my mother to discipline me. Today, however, as he looked down at me, a trace of hesitation flickered in his eyes. The Palace Directorate is harsh. If you cannot endure it, the Ruan family may not be able to bring you back immediately.

This daughter understands.

My eldest brother suddenly stood up. I will go ask the Empress to rescind the decree.

I raised my head. Eldest brother.

His footsteps halted. I said, do not clean up my messes anymore. This time, it was my own choice.

Ruan Shiyi froze in place. Without another word, I turned and walked back to my courtyard. Lingshuang packed my traveling chest while weeping softly. My lady, this servant will go with you.

The Palace Directorate does not allow private maids from outside.

Her tears fell faster and harder than before.