Chapter 4 — A Lifetime's Delayed Longing

An investigation was immediately launched, swiftly uncovering that the Zhaoyang Palace had been secretly hoarding ceremonial candles and covertly preparing a dowry for the favorite concubine’s niece. Palace lamps and candles were strictly rationed by decree, and misappropriating items from the inner court was considered a grave transgression. Consequently, the imperial consort was severely reprimanded by the empress, while Liu Yuan, the head maid of Zhaoyang Palace, was sentenced to twenty heavy strokes of the staff and demoted in disgrace to the Washing Bureau. In recognition of my diligence in auditing the ledgers, I was promoted to the rank of an eighth-rank female official in the Directorate of Justice. When the imperial edict was formally promulgated, everyone in the Directorate’s office gathered around to offer their congratulations. Meng Huaizhou alone remained detached, her tone cool as she observed me.

A promotion is not granted for your amusement. It is given so that you may shoulder heavier burdens.

I offered a formal bow.

This subordinate understands.

She gazed at me, a trace of amusement flickering in the depths of her eyes.

Eat an extra pastry tonight.

I smiled in return. During the New Year holiday, we were granted a single day of rest, and I returned to the Nguyen family estate. When my grandmother beheld me attired in the formal robes of a female official, the corners of her eyes instantly grew moist.

Our Duanyuan has truly changed.

I sank to my knees and performed a full kowtow before her. She reached out, pulling me up to my feet, and stroked my hands.

Why are your hands still so cold?

My mother sat nearby, her expression somewhat unnatural.

We never knew if they took proper care of you within those palace walls.

I lowered my gaze and spoke softly.

Her Ladyship treats this subordinate very well.

My mother parted her lips as if to speak, yet no words came forth. Suo Xingyu also entered grandmother’s parlor. Her complexion was noticeably paler than it had been before the onset of winter, and a faint scent of medicinal herbs clung to her person. Catching sight of me, she murmured softly.

Elder Sister Duanyuan.

I executed a formal greeting.

Lady Suo.

Her features stiffened instantly. My mother frowned in displeasure.

Duanyuan, Xingyu has lived in this household for many years. What harm is there in her addressing you as an elder sister?

Before I could frame a response, grandmother spoke up first.

Duanyuan is now an official within the inner court. It is entirely proper for the forms of address to be precise.

My mother was momentarily at a loss for words. Suo Xingyu forced an awkward smile.

It was merely my oversight.

At the dinner table, my father inquired about life within the palace. I selected a few innocuous details to share. When Nguyen Thuy Tu heard that I had successfully uncovered discrepancies in the accounts, his eyes brightened perceptibly.

Not bad at all.

Mother also registered a flicker of astonishment.

You are actually capable of reviewing ledgers now?

I offered a gentle smile.

The Directorate of Palace Attendants examines them daily.

Suo Xingyu chimed in with a soft murmur.

Elder Sister Duanyuan has always been clever. In the past, she was simply spoiled by the household.

The remark sounded like a compliment on the surface, yet it carried a subtle, jagged barb. I laid my chopsticks down upon the table.

Lady Suo, I must ask you to mind your words.

She froze in astonishment. I continued without hesitation.

As an official serving within the palace, I dare not lay claim to the indulgence of being spoiled.

A heavy silence descended upon the dining table for a brief moment. Nguyen Thuy Tu cast a glance in my direction, a faint trace of amusement lurking in his eyes. Mother’s expression turned awkward, while Suo Xingyu’s eyes welled with tears. In former days, whenever her eyes grew red, I would instantly become the target of universal condemnation. Today, however, grandmother merely picked up a morsel of food and placed it into my bowl.

Eat your meal.

I lowered my head.

Understood.

Following the New Year’s Eve banquet, I did not remain overnight at the residence. Before the palace gates were barred for the night, I was obliged to return. As I prepared to depart, Nguyen Thuy Tu escorted me as far as the threshold. Suddenly, he posed a question.

Was your retort to her deliberate just now?

I met his gaze. He struggled to suppress a smile.

Very well done.

I smiled as well.

In the past, Eldest Brother would have accused me of bullying others.

He paused for a fraction of a second.

In the past, you were indeed somewhat prone to bullying.

I offered no rebuttal. He continued after a moment.

But today, you were not.

A wave of warmth spread through my chest.

Thank you, Eldest Brother.

Just as our carriage cleared the lane of the Nguyen family estate, it came to an abrupt halt. Lingshuang lifted the door curtain to peer outside, and her expression shifted perceptibly.

Milady, it is Young Master Huo.

Huo Qingci stood alone amidst the falling snow, holding an oiled-paper umbrella. Catching sight of me, he took a couple of steps forward.

Nguyen Duanyuan.

I remained seated within the carriage, making no move to alight.

Does Young Master Huo have business with me?

His gaze drifted downward to my official attire.

Do you truly intend to remain within the palace indefinitely?

I nodded.

I do.

He fell silent for a prolonged moment.

If you are doing this because of me...

Young Master Huo flatters himself.

I said quietly.

I entered the palace because I wished to become a female official. It has nothing to do with you.

His complexion grew paler by degrees against the stark backdrop of the snow. Those four words—it has nothing to do with you—had been uttered by me on several prior occasions. Yet it seemed that only today had he truly begun to comprehend their meaning.

Following my return to the imperial palace, my promotion brought a significant increase in responsibilities. Meng Huaizhou was transferred to the Directorate of Ceremonial to assist with duties there, leaving me to take charge of half the ledgers belonging to the Directorate of Justice. Each day was a relentless cycle of labor stretching until the Hour of the Dog, so that by the time I returned to my quarters, I would collapse into deep slumber the instant my head touched the pillow. Huo Qingci had dispatched gifts on several occasions, all of which were promptly turned away at the palace gates. Eventually, he resorted to sending messages through Nguyen Thuy Tu. Initially, my brother found this an annoyance, but before long, he simply arranged to meet the young lord at a local tavern for a thorough brawl. When news of this altercation finally reached the inner court, I was in the middle of conducting an inventory. My fellow female official in the chamber recounted the tale with unconcealed delight.

Word has it that Young Master Huo was beaten so severely by Lord Nguyen that the corner of his mouth was split open.

The tip of my writing brush hovered motionless over the ledger.

For what reason?

For what reason indeed?

She leaned in close, lowering her voice conspiratorially.

Because of you, of course.

I offered no reply. True to expectation, once my shift concluded, Nguyen Thuy Tu dispatched a letter into the palace. The missive contained only a few concise lines.

He asked me whether you were suffering terribly within the palace.

I told him that when you used to wreak havoc at home, everyone suffered. Now that you are working in the palace, it is as though you have finally discovered what you truly desire in life.

His expression was wretched in the extreme.

I could not restrain myself, so I struck him.

At the very end, he added one final sentence.

I did not use a blade.

As I gazed upon those three characters, a sudden laugh escaped my lips. Yet, even as laughter bubbled up, a strange urge to weep followed close behind. My eldest brother remained unchanged. Only, in this lifetime, he no longer stood by to force compromises upon me at another’s behest. Instead, he stood before me to shield me from harm.