Chapter 3 — A Lifetime's Delayed Longing

What are you smiling at?

I shook my head.

Nothing at all.

It was simply that this feeling, right here and right now, was exceptionally good.

By the second month, Su Hang Yu had fallen ill. The news was brought into the palace via someone Ling Shuang had entrusted with the task. Ling Shuang was now working within the matriarch’s private courtyard, and her letter was written with utmost care and detail.

Miss Su has been suffering from a severe cough since the onset of winter, and Madam attends to her personally day and night. Young Master Huo has come by on several occasions to deliver medicine and inquire about how the young lady is faring inside the palace. The eldest young master forbade us servant girls from speaking too much, telling us only to say that the young lady is busy.

I finished reading the letter, folded it neatly, and placed it inside my wooden box. She was sick, and Huo Qing Ci had brought the medicine. This was the proper trajectory. Without me standing obstructively in the middle, the two of them should have naturally found their way to one another much sooner. I lowered my head once more and resumed copying the ledgers. The female scribe sharing my quarters spoke in a hushed tone:

Official Nguyen, someone outside is asking for you.

When I stepped out, I saw Nguyen Thieu Tu standing beneath the covered corridor outside the palace gates. He was dressed in deep azure official robes, his brows and eyes cold and rigid, a food box swinging from his hand. The moment he saw me emerge, his brows furrowed immediately.

You have grown thin.

I offered a respectful bow.

Eldest Brother.

He shoved the food box into my hands.

Grandmother had someone make plum blossom pastries.

Give my thanks to Grandmother.

His gaze dropped to my fingers. Instinctively, I tucked my hands away into my sleeves, but he had already caught sight of them.

Why are your hands chapped like this?

I replied: From writing in the ledgers all day.

His expression turned exceedingly grim.

I told you long ago, this place is not suited for you.

Eldest brother, I am managing quite well here.

Nguyen Thieu Tu was momentarily stunned. I raised my head to look directly at him.

The director of the Ministry of Appointments said my memory is quite passable.

Had this been the past, I certainly would have looked down upon such a remark. How could a casual compliment from a female official of the ministry ever compare to a single word of praise from Huo Qing Ci? But times had changed. Nguyen Thieu Tu stared at me for a long, silent moment before softly asking:

Do you genuinely like this place?

Not necessarily like it.

I pondered for a moment.

But here, if you make a mistake, you are punished; if you do well, you are duly credited.

Everything is remarkably clear-cut.

Nguyen Thieu Tu’s gaze shifted slightly. He must have understood my implication. In the Nguyen household and the Huo household, far too many matters were endlessly ambiguous and obscured. If Su Hang Yu wept, it was my fault. If Huo Qing Ci wore a cold expression, it was my fault. If Mother favored her while I threw a tantrum, that too was my fault. Later on, had I married the wrong person, my entire life would have effortlessly transformed into my own irreversible error.

Eldest Brother.

I spoke softly.

From now on, there is no need to write and inform me of matters concerning Miss Su and Young Master Huo.

He frowned deeply.

You do not wish to know?

I do not.

Truly do not?

I offered a faint smile.

Truly.

He studied me intently, as if attempting to decipher whether my words held any hidden meaning. At last, he raised his hand, seemingly intending to ruffle my hair just as he had done when we were children. The hand hovered halfway before dropping back down to his side.

Grandmother misses you dearly.

My heart softened instantly.

Once Her Majesty grants us leave for the upcoming festival, I will return home to pay my respects.

He nodded gently.

Very well.

Before departing, he added one final remark:

As for Huo Qing Ci, I shall block him on your behalf.

I shook my head.

There is no need to deliberately block him.

Since I reside deep within the palace walls, he has no way of seeing me anyway.

Nguyen Thieu Tu’s expression remained grim.

A few days ago, he asked me whether you were still angry.

I lowered my head and offered a dry, indifferent smile. Huo Qing Ci likely still assumed my entry into the palace was merely another one of my dramatic tantrums. In the past, I had feigned illness, fallen into ponds, wept and begged, and gone on hunger strikes—I had exhausted every conceivable tactic. Now that I had hidden myself behind the strict regulations of the palace, he naturally believed this was simply a novel stratagem.

If Eldest Brother happens to cross paths with him again, simply tell him I am no longer angry.

Nor am I waiting for him.

Nguyen Thieu Tu fell silent for a brief moment.

So be it.

After he left, I carried the food box back to the Bureau of Ceremonial Affairs. The other female scribes immediately swarmed around me, their eyes shining with bright curiosity.

Official Nguyen, your eldest brother is exceptionally handsome.

I divided the plum blossom pastries among them.

Eat up.

Meng Huai Zhou stepped out from the inner chamber and, upon seeing us sharing the pastries, raised an eyebrow.

Have the ledgers been copied?

The crowd scattered instantly in all directions. I hastily sat back down at my desk. As she walked past my side, she nonchalantly plucked a piece of plum blossom pastry.

Let there not be a next time.

I could not help pressing my lips together to suppress a smile. That evening, a messenger from the Empress’s quarters suddenly arrived. They stated that while Huo Qing Ci was petitioning the Empress for an audience, he had incidentally inquired whether he might be permitted to see me just once. The Empress had merely instructed her attendants to relay a single sentence:

Female officials of the Directorate of Palace Attendants while on duty do not meet with external men.

Upon hearing those words, the tightly wound string within my heart slowly relaxed. The palace regulations were unyielding and severe. How wonderful that was.

On the eve of the New Year, the Directorate of Palace Attendants conducted an inventory of the old ledgers from all the various palaces. I uncovered a discrepancy in the records. In the first lunar month of the previous year, the Zhaoyang Palace had collected twenty pairs of red dragon-and-phoenix candles, yet the ledger recorded only twelve pairs. Eight pairs were unaccounted for, and no one knew where they had vanished. Meng Huai Zhou examined the entry I had marked, and her expression shifted subtly.

Whose hands passed through this transaction?

I flipped open the older register.

The former female scribe of the Bureau of Ceremonial Affairs, Liu Yuan.

The female scribe sharing my quarters softly reminded me:

Liu Yuan is currently serving as a senior attendant in Zhaoyang Palace.

The Zhaoyang Palace was the residence of the Imperial Noble Consort. The Empress and the Noble Consort had never been on amicable terms. An issue involving a batch of red candles could be interpreted as either a trivial oversight or a grave offense. Should the investigation proceed further, the fallout would certainly not stop at a mere handful of candles. Meng Huai Zhou cast a long, measuring glance in my direction.

Are you afraid?

I thought for a moment.

I am.

She frowned slightly. I continued speaking regardless:

Yet the ledger is undeniably incorrect.

At last, Meng Huai Zhou broke into a smile.

At least you are not entirely a fool.

She led me directly into the presence of the Empress. Her Majesty flipped through the ledgers, her expression growing progressively colder with every page turned.

Investigate.