Chapter 18 — I was once traded for, then became someone they couldn't reach for the rest of my life

He always thought, if one day his father calmed down, if one day Trieu Hanh made a mistake, if one day the court situation changed, perhaps he could still return to the capital. When he returns, he will go see Ly Trieu Ca. He will tell her that he really knew he was wrong. He will say, the person in the ten-year-old painting was originally her, from beginning to end he was just too stupid to admit the wrong person. But in the third year of exile, he heard news that Trieu Hanh ascended the throne. The new emperor ordained Ly Trieu Ca as Queen. It is said that on good days, almond flowers in the capital bloom white everywhere. The new Emperor personally held the Queen's hand and stepped onto the jade steps. In front of the civil and military officials, he announced that there was only one person in the harem in this life. When the news reached the exiled land, Trieu Viet was chopping firewood in the snowy yard. The ax in his hand fell to the ground. He stood in the cold wind for a long time. Then suddenly burst into laughter. Laughing until his throat hurt, laughing until tears flowed down, laughing until the person next to him thought he had gone crazy. He muttered:

“Queen…”

"She still became the Queen in the end."

Just not his Queen. From then on, every year on the day Ly Trieu Ca got married, Trieu Viet sat alone in front of the tattered wooden house. He doesn't have the old painting anymore. That painting was burned to ashes by him. But her face became clearer and clearer in his mind. He remembered her standing in the Eastern Palace, coldly saying:

“The person you are looking for is the painting, and I am the living person.”

He remembers the day of his death, she said:

“I forgive you, but I won't go back.”

At that time, he didn't understand why a word of not coming back could hurt so much. Now he understands. Because in this life, he really can't touch her anymore. Don't touch her smile. Don't touch her eyes. Not even a single word of scolding from her. Later, a merchant passed through the exile area, mentioning the prosperous capital, mentioning the Queen's kindness and virtue, mentioning the emperor's deep love, ten years were like one day. Trieu Viet sat in the corner, silently listening to everything. Someone asked him:

"Old man, you listen so attentively, do you know the Queen?"

He bowed his head and looked at his calloused hands. After a long time, he laughed hoarsely.

"Unfamiliar."

“I just…”

“The person who lost her.”

The wind and snow rose again. White snow covered his hair. In that moment, Trieu Viet suddenly remembered many years ago, if on that night of the palace banquet, he lifted the curtain to look at her one more time, if he asked her if she was afraid, if he did not say that using her in exchange for Giang Nguyet Bach would not be a loss, would everything have been different? But this world has never had an if. He once had the opportunity to stand next to her. It was he who lost it himself. The most painful thing in the world is when he finally understands how precious that person is, she has become a bright moon in the sky, he cannot touch her in this life. (Side story 2 - Ta Van Chu: one "if" cannot change for the rest of his life) Ta Van So's place of exile was much colder than he thought. The wind there is not like the wind in the capital. The capital's wind blew through the eaves, through the pearl curtains, through the scent of tea in the study room, even though it was cold, it still felt a bit human. And the wind here blows through the desolate sand and rocks, through ramshackle wooden houses, Through the thin prison shirt on his body, it was so cold that it seemed to cut into his bones. But the thing that makes Ta Van So most uncomfortable has never been the cold. It's the quiet after every long night. In the past, in the capital, he hated the constraints of the palace, felt that Thanh Chi Vien was too far, and thought it was natural for Ly Trieu Ca to live there. He doesn't come when he's busy, when he's free he stops by, if he's happy he says a few gentle words, if he's not happy he leaves her alone to wait. He didn't know then. Having a lamp that shines until late at night is actually a very rare thing in the world. After being exiled, every night he returned to his low earthen room, inside there was only an old wooden bed, a table with a broken leg, and a flickering oil lamp. No one made tea for him. No one asked him if he was tired today. No one quietly placed next to him a bowl of hot soup that was just warm enough. He often sat for a long time in front of that lamp. Looking at the weak flickering firelight, he remembered Thanh Chi Vien. Remember Ly Trieu Ca bowed his head under the light, one hand resting on his forehead, the other still holding the notebook. I remember when she heard him coming, she was clearly very tired, but still raised her head and smiled very lightly.

“He's back.”

Just four words. At that time, it was familiar to his ears, and he had never even felt it was precious. Now wanting to listen to it again is a luxury that can't be changed for a lifetime. One time, he was seriously ill in the middle of winter. The snowy wind blew for three days, the wooden tent was blown and shook every time. Giang Nguyet Bach was afraid of the cold, so she rolled up the thickest layer of blanket, not paying attention to the feverish man beside her. In his coma, he dreamed of Ly Trieu Ca. She sat beside his bed, carefully changing the cold towel on his forehead. Her voice was as soft as if she was afraid to wake him up:

“Ta Van So, you must get well soon.”

He wanted to hold her hand.