Chapter 4 — After Breaking Up, I Just Learned How to Love You

In the darkness, the sound of his breathing became clear, the heat blowing through the hair on my forehead.

"Tham Ngo," I said softly, "you pulled me in here and then didn't say anything, what does this mean? Abuse of power, harassment of citizens?"

The next second, his lips pressed down. It wasn't a gentle, exploratory kiss, but a biting one that carried a sense of punishment, as if wanting to pour out all the longing and resentment of the past half year into it. I froze for a second, then bit back without hesitation. The fishy taste spreads to the tip of the tongue. Tham Ngo moaned softly, but didn't pull away. Instead, he held the back of my neck tightly, forcing the kiss deeper. When I couldn't breathe and had to push his chest away, he let me go. The touch light lights up. I saw the corner of his lips tear a little, but his eyes were incredibly bright.

“What is this?” I asked out of breath, "We broke up and are still like this?"

Tham Ngo's face immediately changed.

“Ha Linh, do you have to talk like that?”

“So what do you want me to say?” I pushed him away, "Tham Ngo, it's been half a year. Now you suddenly appear and kiss me, do you want to come back? Or just can't stand the fact that I'm looking for someone new?"

“You what?” I interrupted, "You want to come back, okay. So tell me, why haven't you looked for me in the past half year? When I said goodbye, why did you only say one word 'okay'? Now that you see me going on a blind date, you're in a hurry again. Tham Ngo, do you think I should stand still there and wait for you, wait until you remember and then turn around and wave, I will obediently return?"

Tham Ngo opened his mouth, but couldn't say anything. My voice trembled: "I am human, I know pain, I know disappointment, I know..."

“Ha Linh,” he took a step forward, trying to hold my hand but I avoided him, “this half year, it's not that I didn't want to find you.”

“So why?”

“Because I don't dare.”

I was stunned.

"I thought you were bored," his voice was hoarse, "I thought when you said goodbye, it was because you finally realized I was such a boring person. So when you said goodbye, I thought... it's good. You deserve someone better, someone who can be with you every day, make you happy. Not someone like me..."

“A person must learn little by little to love someone.”

"I thought..." his voice was so low it was almost inaudible, "I thought letting go of you would make you happier. But when I saw you with that man..."

His hands clenched, his joints turned white: "I realized I couldn't do it."

“Can't do what?”

“Can't do the job of blessing you.” He looked at me, his eyes serious to the point of being stubborn, "Seeing him touch you, I was so angry that I wanted to kill someone. I know I don't have the qualifications, I know you should find someone better, but..."

He paused for a moment, "I'm still crazy jealous." I looked at him, tears finally falling.

“Tham Ngo, you are such a bastard.”

"Yes," he reached out to wipe my tears, his movements clumsy, "I'm a bastard. I thought I could let go definitively, but I simply couldn't. For the past half a year, I thought about you every day, to the point that..."

He laughed bitterly, "it hurts to the heart."

“But I don't dare to look for you,” he said, “I'm afraid you're really bored, afraid you'll find me annoying, afraid…”

“Afraid of what?”

“I'm afraid to hear you say,” he lowered his eyes, “you regret ever being with me Older brother."

I looked at him, suddenly stood on tiptoe, and bit hard on his shoulder. Tham Ngo groaned slightly, but did not avoid it.

“This is punishment,” I said, “punishment for your self-righteousness, punishment for making your own decisions for me, punishment for you…”

I paused, my voice softened, "punish you for making me wait half a year." Tham Ngo was stunned.

“I'm not bored,” I said, “ever. I said goodbye because he was always cold to me and never said anything sweet. In front of you, I am always like a backup plan, the type of existence that is okay to have or not to have."

“You're not.” He suddenly hugged me tightly, the force was so strong that it seemed to engrave me into my flesh and bones, "never before."

“So what is it?”

“You are…” his voice was hoarse, “the weakness that I dare not admit.”

When I walked out of the emergency exit, my legs were still weak. Tham Ngo walked behind, keeping a distance of exactly one step.

“Don't follow me.”

“This way leads down to the parking lot,” he said calmly, returning to his familiar serious look, “I'll go down there too.”

“Then you go first.”

“I'm used to going later.”

This man, just after kissing me, pretended to be serious. Arriving at the parking lot, I found my car and as I pulled the door open, Tham Ngo's hand was on the door frame.

“What else?”

“That fitness trainer,” he hesitated for a moment, “doesn't suit you.”

“What doesn't fit?” I deliberately asked, "He's one meter eighty-five tall, has eight clear abs, and smiles often. Unlike some people, who always have a cold face like someone who owes eight million."

The corner of Tham Ngo's mouth twitched slightly.

“He can lift his shirt to show strangers his abs,” he said, “that type of person, too superficial.”

"I like being superficial," I sat in the car, raised my head to look at him, "at least they don't let me wait all night, don't let me blow out the candles alone, don't just say the word 'okay' when I cry."

Tham Ngo's hand was still placed on the door frame, his joints were white.

“Ha Linh,” his voice was very light, “about that day... sorry.”

My movement of closing the door stopped.

“I…” as if I had made a great decision, “I bought a ring. On the first anniversary, I was originally going to propose.”

I opened my eyes wide.

“But suddenly there was a case,” he lowered his eyes, “a serial murder case, the killer is still on the run, there are already three victims. I have to go.”

“Then why didn't you tell me?”

“I said I had a duty,” he smiled bitterly, “I thought you would understand. I think... wait until you calm down and then you two can talk again. But I didn't expect you to suggest breaking up."

“So you didn't explain, just said 'okay'?”

“Because you're right,” he looked at me, his eyes serious, “I really don't fulfill my responsibilities as a boyfriend. I thought letting go of your hand would be better for you.”

“Tham Ngo,” I burst out laughing, “are you sick? Who said letting go of my hand is good for me? Have you ever asked me?”

“What are you doing,” I pushed him, “that's hiding! You didn't dare to face my feelings, didn't dare to face our problems, so you chose the simplest way - break up. Now you say these words, do you want me to pity you?

Tham Ngo was silent.

“I won't pity you,” I said, “at least not yet.”

I closed the car door and started the engine. In the rearview mirror, Tham Ngo was still standing there, his silhouette lengthened by the sunset.