Chapter 1 — Dark Corner Outside the Light

My sister and I's college graduation celebration party was held on the same day, but in the hotel lobby only her banner was hung. “Congratulations to Yu Yi Xuan for ranking tenth in the entire city and passing the entrance exam to Tsinghua University.” I don't even have a single flower. When going to invite her to drink, relatives took turns praising her. Her father spoke loudly as if counting each precious item: "Di Huyen was literate at the age of three, memorized three hundred Tang poems at the age of five, won the gold medal at the Math Olympics in eighth grade. That year was June 17, 2016..." The aunt turned and asked politely: "So which school did the second child pass the exam?" The whole table was silent for three seconds. Mom held the glass of wine, stunned. Dad looked at her, she looked at me. Finally, the younger sister spoke up to help: "It seems like... some school in the South?" I passed the entrance exam at Zhejiang University. The admission notice has been in my drawer for forty days, no one has ever opened it. Mother smiled and said: "The second child has made people feel secure since he was young, there is no need for us to worry." Assured. From childhood to adulthood, no one came to parent-teacher conferences for me, which is called peace of mind. I have a fever of forty degrees, so I take the car to the hospital by myself and call it peace of mind. After the party ended, my mother asked me to help count the congratulatory money she received. I finished counting the last sheet and closed the book. The day after school started, I bought a train ticket for myself. The only thing is, I will probably never buy a return ticket again. … "Du Van, bring your sister's two suitcases down here. There's no room in the trunk, so carry your bag yourself and go to the subway." Dad stood at the top of the stairs calling out, turning the car key. The second day after the university entrance celebration, the whole family went into preparation mode to take her to Beijing. Since early morning, my mother had been walking back and forth in my sister's room, checking the luggage list, reading the names of each item as if she was taking inventory of her dowry. "Have you brought sunscreen? Autumn in Beijing is very dry, bring two bottles of lotion." “Mom asked for the third time.” She smiled, folded a jacket and put it in her suitcase. “With your personality, if you don't ask a few more times, you will definitely forget.” Her mother's mouth expressed criticism, but her hands continued to help her arrange clothes. I stood in front of my room, wearing an old backpack, a twenty-inch suitcase at my feet. That's all my luggage. “Dad, my train leaves at three o'clock in the afternoon, will it be on time?” Dad didn't hear, or he heard but didn't respond. He was bending over to carry her first large suitcase downstairs. Mom poked her head out of her room: "You have to arrange your own things, don't rely on your parents for everything." I don't ask anymore. I took the train ticket out of my pocket and looked at it. Going to Hangzhou, 3:70 p.m., hard seats. Her plane ticket was booked by her parents a month ago, first class. The three of them will fly to Beijing to take her to school and stay for two days. My train ticket was bought with money from my part-time job at a milk tea shop during summer vacation. No one asked how much it cost, and no one asked what time the train left. After loading her luggage, the trunk of the car was completely full. Dad brushed the dust off his hands: "Let's go, go to the airport first." Mom suddenly remembered something and turned to look at me. "Du Van, please take the house key. When you leave, remember to lock the door and turn off the gas stove." "The window in your sister's room is open for ventilation. Remember to close it this afternoon." I nodded. She pulled her suitcase and walked past me, her steps light. At the door, she suddenly stopped and turned to look at me. “Du Van.” I raised my eyes. She hesitated for a second, seemingly wanting to say something, but her mother downstairs honked the horn to urge her. “…Text me when you get there.” Then, she turned around and ran downstairs. The sound of the door closing was very quiet. The sound of the car starting is also very quiet. Then the whole house fell silent, with only the ticking sound of the wall clock in the living room. I stood in the entrance, looking at the three empty spaces on the shoe rack. Dad's leather shoes, mom's high heels, sister's white sneakers, all disappeared neatly. My canvas shoes sit alone on the bottom floor of the shoe rack, next to a dusty umbrella. When I entered her room and closed the window, I saw things on her desk. An entire wall is filled with certificates of merit, from students with three good grades to medals

Math Olympiad gold medals, arranged by year like a wall of medals. In the middle of the table is a family photo taken on Tet this year. My parents sat in the middle, my sister stood behind her mother, smiling brightly. I'm not in the photo. That day I was washing dishes in the kitchen so I missed taking photos. Then my mother said: "Isn't it just a photo? You didn't dress well that day, and you didn't look good in the photo." I closed the window and stood in her room for a while. In the trash can in the corner there was a crumpled piece of paper. I picked it up and opened it. It was a copy of the statement of congratulatory money from the university entrance party, with my mother's writing on it. The last line reads: "The congratulatory money received at Du Van's table was agreed to be counted in Di Huyen's name. Later, write a thank you card using Di Huyen's name." I read it twice. Agreed to include the name Di Huyen. At the university entrance celebration that day, relatives also gave me lucky money. Third Aunt gave me a thousand yuan and said that she congratulated me on passing the entrance exam to Zhejiang University. Uncle Hai stuffed me an envelope, patted my shoulder and said this girl was very good. All of that money is recorded in her name. I put the paper down, folded it, and put it in my pocket. Not for proof. But to remind myself not to turn back. Returning to my room, I pulled out the desk drawer. The admission notice from Zhejiang University was still inside, even the envelope had not been opened. I opened it and read it through. On it was written my name, Du Van. The bright red mark is very beautiful. It's been forty days, this is the first time it's been opened by someone. I put the admission notice into my backpack and zipped it up. I took one last look at the room. Do not carry textbooks on the shelf. Didn't bring the old life jacket she wore and gave me in the closet. Nor did I bring along my certificate of merit for being a third-best student, which was pressed under her certificate of merit on the wall. I only bring what belongs to me. At twelve o'clock, I left the house and called a car via the app from the residential gate to the train station. On the phone, there was a text message from my mother two hours ago: "Mom and Dad have arrived at the airport. Your sister's luggage is five kilograms overweight. You have to pay an additional two hundred yuan, which will later be deducted from the family's living expenses." I don't answer. The train station is very big, there are a lot of people. There is a long line in front of the ticket gate. I pulled my small suitcase and stood at the end of the line. In front there is a girl hugging her mother. The mother's eyes were red and she kept stuffing snacks into her daughter's backpack. "When you arrive, find a dormitory first. If the blanket isn't thick enough, go buy it. Mom will transfer the money to you, don't save money." The girl was upset and pushed her mother's hand away: "I know, mom, don't cry anymore, your classmates are watching." I moved my eyes away. Through the ticket gate, I found my seat. Hard chair, next to the window. When the train departs, the platform slowly moves backwards. The phone lights up again. This time it was my sister texting. "Du Van, have you set off yet? When you arrive, remember to report peace to your family." I looked at that message for a long time. Then open the phonebook, select the numbers of your father, mother and sister respectively. The finger stops above the delete button. But I don't press. It's not time yet. I placed the phone face down on my lap and closed my eyes. The train runs south, the scenery outside the window changes each frame. But I didn't want to look anymore. "Classmate, did you bring your own blanket? The school blanket is very thin." The girl in the opposite bed poked her head over. She has a round face and speaks with a Hunan accent. The dormitory room accommodates four people. I arrived late, there was only the bottom bed next to the door. “Pregnant.” I stuffed my suitcase under the bed. My stuff is too little. She took a look but didn't say anything. The first week of school, I went through the procedures, received the textbook and registered for the course. Everything is done by me, I don't feel like there's anything special. From childhood to adulthood, I did everything myself. Fill out your college aspirations yourself, take your own health check, and set your own alarm on the morning of the college exam and leave the house yourself. The night before, her mother was preparing the last nutritious meal to help her get up to speed before the exam. The third day after school, mom posted a series of photos to the family group. Tsinghua University gate, Weiming Lake, library, and finally a full-body photo of her in uniform, standing and smiling in front of the dormitory door. Dad immediately responded

with a thumbs up icon. Mom said: "Di Huyen's dormitory conditions are quite good, the four-person room has its own bathroom. Only the hot water supply time is a bit short, I told your dad to call the academic advisor to ask." Dad said: "I asked, before eleven o'clock at night there will be hot water, enough to use." I scrolled through those messages, waited five minutes. No one asked me if I had arrived yet. No one asked how many people there were in my dorm room. No one asked if the hot water was enough. That night, my roommate Lam Tieu Man asked me: "Aren't your parents coming to see you off?" “No, they went to see my sister off.” “Oh, where does your sister go to school?” “Tsinghua University.” Lam Tieu Man opened her mouth, wanting to say it again, but finally just said: "You are also very good, Zhejiang University is also very good." Also very good. Among those three words there is an order that I am extremely familiar with. You're not bad, but you're behind. During the second week of military training, Hangzhou was stiflingly hot. On the third day of standing at attention in the sun, I got heatstroke and squatted on the practice field and vomited. The coach gave me a bottle of water and told me to go to the medical room. The doctor gave me an IV and then asked: "Call the parents, okay?" I shook my head. “Parents live very far away.” “How far?” “Very far.” During the infusion, I opened the message on my phone. Mom posted new content in the family group again. This time it's a photo of her participating in recruiting club members. She signed up for the debate team. Mom sent a voice message. I put on headphones to listen. "Di Huyen, I think the debate team is very good. You can practice your ability to express yourself. It will also be useful for the graduate entrance exam in the future. But don't be too tired, studying is still the most important thing." The message was forty-seven seconds long, all about her. I exited the family group and reviewed my private chat history with my mother. The last message was the one she sent on the day I left home, saying my luggage was overweight and money would be deducted from family expenses. Read, did not reply. Then completely empty. Like a broken string, there is no one to connect the two ends. I took the IV for two hours, pulled out the needle myself, signed my name, and then walked back to the dormitory. Lam Tieu Man saw me and immediately asked: "Your face is so bad, where are you going?" “Medical room, heatstroke.” "Huh? Why don't you say anything, I can go with you." She rummaged in the cupboard, took out a box of Patchouli Chinh Qi water and stuffed it for me. “You keep it and use it, the weather in Hangzhou is really killing people.” I held the medicine box and was stunned for a few seconds. "Thank." A roommate I had known for less than two weeks even noticed my facial appearance was not right faster than my family members. Early October is Mid-Autumn Festival. The family group began to bustle. Mom asked her how she would celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival and whether she needed to send moon cakes. She said the school had already distributed it and even took a photo. Dad said: "If you want to eat anything, tell me, I will order food to be delivered to you." Mom said again: