Chapter 1 — The First Heartbeat

Part I — Nameless Fear

Ngo Thien Kim checked the personal first aid bag in her school bag for the third time in the morning, counting each item inside like a familiar ritual: gauze, antiseptic alcohol, bandages, a small notebook recording basic first aid procedures that she compiled herself from instructional videos she watched online.

"Are you checking that bag again?" Chau Tuyet Mai, her best friend, asked in a half-joking, half-worried tone when she saw Thien Kim repeating that habit during recess.

"It's just a habit," Thien Kim replied, without raising her head, continuing to rearrange each item neatly.

"What kind of habit is it to check three or four times a day?" Tuyet Mai said, her voice a bit more serious. "You know you don't have to be ready for every emergency that could happen in the world."

Thien Kim did not answer, just silently zipped the bag and put it in her briefcase. She knew Tuyet Mai was right, but knowing was one thing, but changing that habit was a completely different story.

That afternoon, while scrolling through the school's notice board, Thien Kim stopped in front of a poster introducing the Red Cross Club as recruiting new members, promising training sessions on first aid skills, CPR, and handling emergency situations. She read the poster over and over again, her heart beating a little faster.

She signed up on the same day, without hesitation, a departure from the usual caution in most of her other decisions.

The first activity took place in the school's medical room, which was larger than usual thanks to the addition of tables and chairs for club meetings. About fifteen students were present, sitting in a circle, chatting excitedly before the event officially began.

"Hello everyone, I'm Dang Minh Vu, this year's head of the Red Cross Club," a tall guy, with a relaxed appearance that was almost casual, stood up to introduce himself, still holding half a half-eaten loaf of bread in his hand. "Before we start, I want to make one thing clear — this club is not about turning you into superheroes who can save everyone in every situation. We just learn how to be calmer, and know what to do while waiting for the professionals to arrive."

That statement made Thien Kim a bit uncomfortable, although she didn't quite understand why. "But what if there's no one with expertise nearby?" she blurted out, her voice a bit harsher than she intended.

The whole room was silent for a moment, all eyes turned to her. Minh Vu looked at her for a moment, not showing any discomfort at that straightforward question. “Good question,” he said, his voice still calm. "What's your name?"

"Ngo Thien Kim," she replied, a bit embarrassed for reacting so harshly.

"Thien Kim, that's exactly why our club exists," Minh Vu said, his voice gentle but firm. "We learn to do the best we can as amateurs. But I want to be clear from the start — none of us can save everyone in every situation, and that doesn't mean we're failures."

Those words, even though they came from good intentions, touched a hidden corner of Thien Kim's heart that she had never shared with anyone other than Tuyet Mai. She clenched her hands on her thighs, trying to keep her expression calm, but inside, a wave of old emotions began to roll again.

After the event, when everyone gradually left, Minh Vu approached Thien Kim, his eyes full of sincere concern. "Your question just now, I think was more than just curiosity," he said, his voice gentle. "If you want to share something, I'm always willing to listen."

Thien Kim was surprised by that unexpected delicacy, but was not ready to open her heart to someone she had just met. "Nothing," she replied, trying to smile. "It's just that I like to research things thoroughly."

Minh Vu did not ask further questions, just nodded, leaving a comfortable silence between the two before they both left the medical room, each carrying their own thoughts about that surprising first meeting.

On the way home, Thien Kim stopped by Tuyet Mai's house as usual, recounting the first club activity, unable to hide the confusion in her voice. "I don't understand why I reacted so harshly," she said, crouching on her friend's living room sofa. "The club leader is just saying the obvious."

"Maybe because it's not obvious to you," Tuyet Mai said, her voice gentle but full of understanding. She is the only one who knows the story behind her friend's obsession. "Do you still remember the story of Uncle Hai's baby Bin?"

Thien Kim nodded and remained silent, the familiar feeling of shame and helplessness rising in her heart again even though three years had passed.

It was a normal afternoon, when Thien Kim looked after her little cousin while the adults were busy. Baby Bin, then only three years old, suddenly choked on a piece of fruit while eating a snack. Thien Kim, only fifteen years old, stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds of horror, her mind completely blank, unable to remember anything she had ever learned about how to handle foreign object choking situations, even though she had watched a few instructional videos before.

Luckily, a neighbor passing by heard the noise and promptly ran in, performed proper back pats and chest compressions, helping baby Bin cough and pop the piece of fruit out in just a few seconds. Everything ended safely, little Bin was unharmed, and even laughed afterward as if nothing had ever happened.

But for Thien Kim, that frozen moment, the feeling of extreme helplessness as she watched her cousin in danger without knowing what to do, became a psychological scar that cannot be easily erased. From that day on, she rushed to learn all the first aid knowledge she could, always carrying a personal first aid bag, always trying to prepare for every possible emergency situation, as a way to ensure she would never have to experience that feeling of helplessness again.

"I just don't want to freeze again," Thien Kim said, her voice low, her eyes lowered. "I can't stand that feeling a second time."

"I understand," Tuyet Mai replied, holding her friend's hand tightly. "But I think, maybe that club leader isn't wrong. Maybe what you need to learn is not only skills, but also how to forgive yourself for being afraid."

Thien Kim did not answer immediately, just sat silently, letting those words slowly seep into her mind. She knew Tuyet Mai was right, but knowing something and truly believing it were two completely different things.

"Do you think I should continue joining the club?" she asked, her voice still hesitant. "After my strange reaction just now, people will probably think I'm a bit... weird."

"Of course we should continue," Tuyet Mai replied immediately, without any hesitation. "You've only just joined one session, don't be so quick to give up just because of a slightly harsh question. Besides, listening to the way you talked about that homeroom teacher, it seems like he's quite understanding, not the type of person who would judge you."

"Maybe you're right," Thien Kim admitted, a small smile crossing her lips. "I'll keep trying and see how it goes."

That night, when she got home, Thien Kim took out the first aid bag to check it out of habit, but this time, she stopped for a moment, looked more closely at each item inside, wondering if this obsessive preparation really helped her feel safer, or was simply a way for her to avoid having to face the true fear lurking inside.

She remembered Minh Vu's calm eyes, his sincere voice when he said that no one could save everyone, and wondered if she would ever have the courage to accept that truth, instead of continuing to prepare herself for an impossible standard of perfection that she set for herself.

Before turning off the light to go to bed, she opened the first aid procedure notebook, flipped to the last blank page, and for the first time, instead of writing a new technical procedure, she wrote down a short line: "Tomorrow, I will try to believe that I don't have to be perfect to deserve to be there." She looked at the words for a long moment, not sure if she could actually do it, but at least, it was a small start that she had never allowed herself to try before. She closed the notebook, placed it on the desk next to the neatly arranged first aid bag, then turned off the light and fell asleep with a strange feeling of relief, as if just writing it down was a small step on the long journey ahead.