Chapter 2 — Gardenias After the Rain

Star and Hao Chi were never ordinary, polite acquaintances; we had shared the very same desk for three agonizing, beautiful years. In the days of our youth, he was a creature of silence, perpetually timid, drawing an invisible line between himself and the bustling world of the classroom. As for me, weighed down by unspoken yearnings and a timid heart, I never dared to take the first step toward conversation. Sitting side by side for three long years, the total number of words we exchanged could easily be counted on one hand. Thus, in that crowded classroom, we remained souls positioned within inches of one another yet separated by the deepest chasms of the human heart.

As the middle school graduation exams loomed near, the head teacher decided to reshuffle the seating chart, implementing a strict new order. The rule was clear: top-achieving students must sit together, and all were required to occupy the front rows. Because my grades had slipped during the midterms, I was inevitably separated from Hao Chi. Even though we no longer shared a desk, I found myself constantly stealing glances in his direction. Freed from my quiet presence, he seemed to shed a heavy burden, blossoming into someone much more open and at ease. His new desk mate was a lively, vivacious girl who constantly peppered him with academic questions, and he would always answer with infinite patience, explaining every detail. She loved to crack jokes, and every punchline would draw out a genuine smile that made his eyes curve into gentle crescents. It was a bitter realization: he had never once smiled at me like that. My heart gave a sudden, sharp throb, not quite agonizing, but lingering with a dull, pervasive ache.

Following the midterm examinations, the school held its customary parent-teacher conference. And then, the very nightmare I had dreaded descended upon me. My mother took one look at my report card and flew into a blind fury. She managed to keep her temper bottled up until the meeting ended, then dragged me into the secluded shadows beneath the courtyard trees and unleashed a torrent of vicious scolding.

Song Star, what on earth do you think you are doing?

Our entire family breaks their backs just to feed you and pay for your schooling, and yet your grades are no better than garbage!

If I had known this would happen, I never would have let the doctor save your life back then. I should have let them save your younger brother instead! You might as well just drop dead!

I dared not utter a single word of defense. Whenever my anger-fueled mother lost control, she invariably tore into me with such venomous words. As for the little brother who had perished long ago... I dared not even whisper his name. If I had not stubbornly absorbed all the nutrients while still in her womb, perhaps he would have survived until the doctor arrived in time. I owed him a human life. Seeing me bow my head in absolute silence only stoked the flames of her fury even higher.

What good is standing there mute? Or are you secretly cursing me in your heart?

Now that you are growing older, you think you can start rebelling and defying your mother, do you?

Tell me the truth, are you secretly dabbling in puppy love behind my back? Don't for a second think I haven't read what you hid away in your diary!

And what was that ridiculous phrase? The scent on his skin is so comforting, like gardenias brushed by the wind. How could you even write something so utterly shameless? Have you lost all sense of modesty?!

The darkest, most carefully guarded secret buried at the very bottom of my soul was suddenly ripped wide open. I jerked my head up in sheer panic—only to realize that Hao Chi had been standing nearby for God knows how long. He had heard everything. Every single word... he had heard it all. In a single, suffocating fraction of a second, a wave of unbearable humiliation and shame crashed over me. I spun on my heel and bolted. The secret I had guarded for so many years had been dragged out into the harsh light of day by my own mother, spat out with such malicious and insulting venom. My innocent, silent devotion had, in that single heartbeat, transformed into the most pathetic joke in the entire world. Tears blurred my vision, flooding my eyes until the world dissolved into shimmering shapes. Through the watery haze, a hand extended forward, offering a clean tissue. It was Hao Chi. The shame, which had barely begun to recede, flooded back tenfold, fierce and suffocating. As if desperate to find an outlet for my overflowing misery, I shrieked out into the empty air, half-crazed with despair:

Get away from me! Please, stop bothering me! Do you even know how much I utterly despise you?

I had foolishly convinced myself that I had long since let go of the past. Yet today, upon running into Hao Chi once more, those buried, agonizing memories surged back with terrifying clarity, as vivid and sharp as if a decade of time had never passed at all. Only now did I finally understand—the person I truly detested was never him. It was the pitiful girl I had been back then—weak, utterly incapable of standing up to my family, and trapped in a cage of paralyzing self-doubt while harboring a secret love in agonizing silence.

The apology that hovered on my lips could never find its way into the air. All that remained in the heavy silence was the acrid taste of cigarette smoke and his retreating figure, fading further and further away into the distance. Stumbling back into the private room, my spirits plummeted into an abyss. I retreated to a dark corner, losing track of how many more glasses of alcohol I consumed. And then... my memory completely dissolved. My recollection seemed to close in a flawless, dizzying circle. Every single thing that had transpired last night came rushing back into my mind. I—Song Star—using a clumsy apology as a mere pretext, had gotten thoroughly drunk and shamelessly taken advantage of Hao Chi. The very moment I stumbled back home this morning, the first thing I did was frantically abandon the class group chat, immediately followed by blocking every single middle school acquaintance I had. Even though I possessed no foolish illusions that Hao Chi would ever demand I take responsibility for my reckless actions, what if—just what if he actually did?