Chapter 8 — Gardenias After the Rain

In the scorching heat of mid-July, I was wheeled into the delivery room. It was the first time I had ever seen Hao Chi so frantic and unnerved. Despite his face pale with panic, he forced himself to remain calm, tightly gripping my hand to offer comfort.

“Don’t be afraid, I am right here.”

I lost all sense of time. I only knew that when I had almost reached the absolute limit of my endurance, a piercing baby’s cry rang out, piercing my heart like the very first ray of dawn. At that exact moment, Hao Chi leaned down and pressed a deep, lingering kiss to my forehead. His hand was trembling violently, utterly betraying the composure he had tried so hard to project. I smiled faintly.

“Hao Chi… have you chosen a nickname for the baby yet?”

We had made a promise long ago: I would choose the legal name, but the nickname would be his responsibility. The corners of his eyes glistened with tears—falling so quickly that I thought I must have imagined it.

“I have… shall we call her Little Star?”

Little Star—the small white star belonging to Hao Chi and Xingran.

Xingran was my very first desk mate when I entered middle school. She was also the only person who sat beside me for so long throughout my entire student life. Yet, I always felt deeply troubled because there seemed to be almost nothing for us to talk about. I never knew what to say to her. But I desperately wanted to speak with her, the way she effortlessly chatted with the boy sitting in the row behind us. She never initiated conversations with me either. I was terrified that she genuinely hated me, which was why she refused to speak to me. The sentence she uttered to me more than any other was always the same:

“Hao Chi, the teacher is here, stop sleeping!”

Yet the truth was, I hadn’t been sleeping at all. I simply loved resting my forehead against the desk, letting my mind drift far away. That way, I could secretly gaze at her shadow cast upon the floorboards without anyone ever noticing. She was truly so gentle. When calling my name failed to rouse me, she would even gently pat my arm. I truly, deeply wished to grow a little closer to her. But then, the head teacher rearranged the seating chart. In secret, I went to find the teacher and begged to remain seated next to Xingran. The teacher agreed. On the day of the parent-teacher conference, I planned to use the opportunity to share the good news with her. But inadvertently, I witnessed her mother screaming at her in the middle of the school courtyard. I felt a surge of incandescent rage. How could anyone speak so cruelly to a girl as gentle and kind-hearted as her? I wanted to rush out and defend her. And then… I overheard something that made my heart ache sharply—Xingran already had someone she liked. She even mentioned that this person carried the fragrance of gardenia flowers. Wonderful. In truth, Xingran herself carried a faint, lovely scent, though I had no idea what it was. For reasons I couldn’t fathom, a heavy wave of disappointment washed over me. Seeing her run away in tears, my body moved on instinct, following closely behind. I wanted to help wipe away her tears. But realizing how inappropriate that would be, I could only tentatively offer a tissue. I had braced myself to comfort her, but instead, she glared at me with anger and told me to get away. She even declared that she loathed me. So it had been true all along. She hated me, which explained why she never wanted to speak to me. Fine. Very well. I told myself it did not matter; after all, there were plenty of others in the class who had no desire to talk to me either. Yet, a vast, hollow ache remained in my chest, as if a large piece of it had been carved out.

That class reunion was something I had never intended to attend. Ten years had passed since graduation, and I had never been close with anyone from my school days. Showing up would only guarantee awkwardness. But my second desk mate—our class monitor, Zhi—had persistently insisted that I participate. I had no choice but to come. I had barely been sitting there for long when I saw Xingran walk through the door. She was as breathtakingly beautiful as she had always been. I wondered if she was currently with that young man who smelled of gardenias… I only hoped that she was happy. When Zhi cast a knowing glance in my direction and walked toward her with a glass of wine, I could not understand why he was deliberately making things difficult for her. Unable to bear it any longer, I stood up and drank the alcohol in her place. Afterward, I slipped away into a quiet corner on my own accord. I had no wish to cause her further annoyance. But to my utter astonishment, she actually followed me all the way out to the doorway of the restroom.