Chapter 4 — Unwittingly Adrift

Therefore, I simply turned away in silence and returned to my chambers. … That night, Ngoc came to my room. He leaned against the doorframe, watching me for a long time before finally speaking.

"A Phuong, I have a question for you."

"You... have you truly grown fond of Thanh Dien?"

I kept my head lowered over my book, turning to a fresh page, not even bothering to acknowledge him. Ngoc strode forward, snatched the book from my hands, and threw it onto the table.

"Did you think I wouldn't see right through it?"

"The way you look at Thanh Dien... is precisely how you used to look at me..."

At that, he abruptly fell silent, unable to finish his sentence. Only then did I raise my head, meeting his gaze with a calm, unreadable expression.

"Ngoc."

"Was it not you yourself who declared that I am no different from a common courtesan?"

"If I am indeed a courtesan, what business is it of yours whom a courtesan chooses to fancy?"

The color drained from Ngoc's face in an instant.

"You..."

"That day... you heard every single word?"

… I offered no reply, merely lowering my gaze once more to pick up the book from the table and resume my reading. Ngoc stood rooted to the spot. After a long moment, he began to offer apologies. He stammered that he had spoken foolishly only because he was intoxicated, and that he had never truly held any contempt for me. He reached out to seize my hand, swearing that he genuinely cared for me and earnestly desired to take me as his wife. Yet... I remained entirely unresponsive. Ngoc looked utterly wretched, his eye rims burning red as he asked in a hoarse voice:

"What on earth must I do for you to forgive me?"

Still, I kept my silence. His patience finally wore completely thin. He flew into a rage and roared:

"You are nothing more than an orphan! The household raised you for all these years, and not only do you show no gratitude, but you sit here smiling and chattering with other men! How does that make you any different from a courtesan?"

… The following day, Thanh Dien came to bid farewell to the household. Having been appointed to the Imperial Academy, he was required to assume his duties that very day. Ngoc hosted a farewell banquet in his honor. During the feast, I entered to serve tea. Thanh Dien accepted the porcelain cup, his gaze lingering upon my face for a brief moment. He seemed on the verge of speaking, but in the end, he merely gave a slight nod. Ngoc observed everything, a cold edge to his voice as he spoke:

"Thanh Dien, you are a top scholar of the imperial examinations, a scholar whom any noble maiden of high standing would gladly accept."

"Why bother yourself over a mere servant girl in my humble estate?"

Thanh Dien set his teacup down. He looked directly at Ngoc, his tone entirely serene:

"Brother, Lady Lam is the adopted daughter recognized by the elders of your household, not a servant."

"To address her thus is a discourtesy."

Ngoc’s expression instantly darkened into a scowl. The entire banquet table fell into a breathless silence. Thanh Dien rose to his feet, bringing his hands together in a formal salute.

"Brother, I have troubled this household for many days. I take my leave."

As he passed by me, he tilted his head slightly, his voice dropping to a whisper so faint that only I could catch the words:

"If you truly wish to depart from this place... come to the gates of the Imperial Academy and seek me out."

… After Thanh Dien’s departure, Ngoc consumed a vast amount of wine. As night descended, he staggered into my room in a drunken stupor, collapsing heavily onto the bed. His entire person reeked so strongly of alcohol that the mere scent caused my head to throb. He reached out, his fingers clutching desperately at my sleeve.

"A Phuong..."

"A Phuong..."

I pried his fingers loose. He immediately grasped hold of me again. Over and over. At last, behaving like a stubborn child, he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and refused to let go.

"I am fond of you..."

"You are fond of me as well... are you not?"

I looked down at him. The moonlight poured over his handsome features, and at the corners of his eyes... there glistened a tear. Though he was intoxicated to the point of near unconsciousness, his lips continued to murmur incessantly.

"A Phuong... I was wrong..."

"I should never have uttered those cruel words..."

"Do not abandon me..."

I gently lowered my eyelids. There had been a time... when I loved Ngoc with a devotion so absolute. I loved him to the extent that I believed every word he uttered, willing to surrender whatever he desired. Perhaps... it was precisely because my love was so utterly humble that he never learned to cherish it. Gently, I unclasped his fingers one by one, pulling the quilt up to cover his frame. Then, gathering my meager belongings, I slipped out into the gathering shadows of the night and quietly departed the estate. Standing before the courtyard gates, I cast one final glance behind me. Beneath the pale moonlight, the curved eaves of the mansion stood out with a profound and chilling solitude against the dark sky. I had spent ten years within these walls. From a gaunt, timid orphan... to a woman whose innocence had been forcefully stripped away. As of today... this chapter must finally come to an end. … Outside the gates of the Imperial Academy, the morning mist had yet to fully dissipate. I stood waiting, my hands clutching my bundled belongings tightly, torn between stepping forward and turning away. A quiet doubt whispered in my mind... perhaps those words Thanh Dien spoke that day had merely been uttered on a whim. After all, he was a distinguished scholar with a boundless future. Why would he wish to burden himself with a solitary, destitute woman who possessed no support in the world? Perhaps... it had simply been a momentary impulse of pity. Much like Ngoc, who had once promised me:

"I shall take care of you from now on."

When he spoke those words... he too had been entirely sincere. It was only a pity that human hearts are bound to change with time. I stood there for a very long time, the urge to retreat slowly creeping back into my heart.

"Lady Lam."

A gentle, refined voice drifted to my ears. I lifted my gaze to see Thanh Dien emerging from the gates of the Imperial Academy. Draped in his formal official robes, his upright and elegant posture was highlighted all the more, resembling a slender stalk of bamboo swaying gracefully in the breeze. The moment his eyes found me, he quickened his pace, a fleeting warmth and delight dancing in his eyes.

"You have finally come."

A sudden stinging sensation prickled the bridge of my nose. It seemed... he had been waiting for me all along. … Thanh Dien had acquired a modest courtyard dwelling in the capital; though the grounds were not expansive, they were impeccably clean and orderly. He instructed the head housekeeper to prepare a quiet side chamber for my quarters. Before turning to leave, he paused at the threshold and spoke to me with utmost earnestness:

"Lady Lam, you may rest here in absolute peace."