Chapter 7 — Unwittingly Adrift

I coaxed her gently, stealing away her innocence. She wept from the pain, yet she bit her lower lip fiercely, enduring it all in silence without letting out a single cry. Afterward, as I held her soft, trembling body in my arms, I felt a sense of fulfillment unlike anything I had ever known before. She was mine. Entirely... belonging to me and me alone.

Yet, as the first light of dawn broke, a heavy conflict began to stir within my heart. Since I was a child, my mother had ingrained in me that a virtuous maiden must preserve her chastity above all else, treasuring her reputation far more than her own life. But Ah Nhuoc... she had surrendered to me so easily. I merely uttered a few promises of marriage, and she truly believed them, lowering all her defenses to offer me everything she had. What if it had been another man? What if someone else had used the same sweet words to deceive her... Would she have yielded just as readily?

It was this nagging contradiction that birthed a subtle contempt within me toward Ah Nhuoc. My companions were all notorious, free-spirited young gentlemen of the capital, accustomed to treating women as mere playthings. They laughed and asked me why, having kept such an exquisite beauty by my side, I still refused to formally welcome her into my household as a bride. For reasons I could not fathom... I began to demean Lin Nhuoc. I claimed she lacked proper moral restraint. I declared that whenever I commanded her to spread her legs, she would obediently comply. I asserted that she was no different from the common courtesans on the streets. I professed that I was merely toying with her for amusement.

In truth... Every single time those cruel words passed my lips, it felt as though a massive, bleeding cavity was being gouged straight through the center of my chest, allowing bitter drafts of wind to howl relentlessly inside. Yet... I could not control my own mouth. The moment those words were spoken, remorse would instantly sink its claws into me. It was I who had coaxed Lin Nhuoc first. It was I who had leaned close to her ear, repeating over and over again:

"Ah Nhuoc, will you marry me?"

She believed me. That was why she entrusted me with the most precious treasure of her entire life. With my own hands, I plucked the purest flower in this world. And with those same hands, I trampled upon her sincere devotion, grinding it until not a single fragment remained. Then, I turned around and mocked her for her lack of self-respect. I... truly was an irredeemable scoundrel. That very night, returning to Lin Nhuoc's side and gazing at her peaceful, sleeping face, I wished with all my heart that I could swallow back every vicious word I had uttered during the day.

...Later... Lin Nhuoc changed. She no longer smiled at me. She no longer responded with gentleness whenever I initiated closeness. In her eyes... the radiant, starry light that used to shine whenever she looked at me was completely gone. Panic gripped me. I foolishly believed she was merely throwing a tantrum. Therefore, I intentionally used Chen Wan-ni to provoke her, desperately wanting to see her burn with jealousy, wanting to see her weep and plead with me.

"Pei Yu, do not marry someone else."

Yet... she did nothing of the sort. She merely cast a faint, indifferent glance in my direction and uttered a single, chilling word.

"Oh."

That single syllable... felt like a blunt, rusted blade, slowly and methodically carving deeper into my heart. It hurt far more than any sharp, polished edge ever could.

...Lin Nhuoc left. She went to live within the quiet courtyard of Shen Qing-yan. I went completely mad, searching for her for a full month. When I finally found her, she was standing in the garden, watering a cluster of peonies. Her face bore an expression of gentle tranquility that I had not seen in a very long time. When I rushed forward to demand an explanation, she only replied with utter detachment:

"Pei Yu, we no longer owe each other anything."

No longer owe each other anything? Did she think she could just end it all with a few words? I refused to accept it. She was mine—how could I ever resign myself to watching her walk away from me? I rushed to the Hanlin Academy. Right in front of everyone, I tore open the most painful chapters of her past, believing... that Shen Qing-yan would despise her just as I once had. But instead, he declared that being able to marry Lin Nhuoc was the greatest fortune of his life.

At that exact moment, standing outside the gates of the Hanlin Academy, listening to the murmurs of my colleagues and looking at the tear-filled yet utterly trusting gaze that Ah Nhuoc bestowed upon Shen Qing-yan... I finally understood. It was not that Lin Nhuoc was unworthy. It was... that I was unworthy. From the very beginning to the very end... it was I who did not deserve her.

It was I who coaxed her first. It was I who deceived her first. And it was I who broke her heart first. With my own hands, I had kindled the fire that burned away every ounce of her trust and reliance. And in the end... I had turned around to blame her for changing. In this entire world... there was no one more utterly ridiculous than me.

...On the day of Lin Nhuoc's wedding. A lavish procession of red stretched out for ten miles, plunging the entire capital into a vibrant, bustling jubilee. The bridal entourage wound its way right past the gates of the Pei estate. I caught sight of the corner of the bridal sedan chair being lifted slightly before dropping back down in haste. I knew. It was her. But... she did not spare me even a single glance.

I stood outside the gates, watching that blinding sea of red stretch along the street like a permanent wound that would never heal. Not until the procession finally vanished into the far end of the street... did I realize that my face was already frozen cold. Soaked entirely with tears.

Behind me, the steward spoke up with cautious hesitation:

"Young Master, the wind is growing fierce. Please return inside the estate."

I did not move an inch. I simply continued staring down the long, empty avenue before me. The sound of gongs and drums had faded into the distance. The roar of firecrackers had long since died away. She... had truly walked far, far away.

A sudden memory surfaced in my mind: the afternoon when Lin Nhuoc was eight years old, stepping into the Pei family courtyard for the very first time. That thin, timid little girl had stood quietly in the courtyard, resembling a fragile sapling with no one to shelter it. And I... had been a proud, spirited youth back then. I walked up to her and said:

"Do not be afraid."

"From now on, I will take care of you."

Yet, in the end... I still broke my promise. From this day forward... the remainder of her life would be filled with warm spring days and blooming flowers, with a devoted soul walking by her side. While the remainder of my life... would be left with nothing but endless, unyielding regret.

The End.