Chapter 1 — From the Day I Didn't Ask

After three years of marriage, I always like to ask my husband for his opinion on everything I do. But two months ago, he laughed at me in front of his friends:

"Can you stop being so clingy to me? I'm not your father, I still force you to decide everything."

From that day on, I didn't ask anymore. Until he saw my hospital admission notice, his face changed immediately.

"You were sick, why didn't you tell me?"

I looked up at him: "I don't want to bother you." As soon as the words came out, we both stopped. But the next second, the nurse pushed the door open and walked in:

"Have you signed your name yet? If you don't sign quickly, you'll have to bear the risk of surgery yourself."

I smiled, retracted the pen:

“Don't be nervous, you don't need me to sign this time either.”

01 That day was Saturday, his colleagues organized a party. In the hot pot restaurant's steaming room, seven or eight people sat around the table. I picked up a piece of beef and put it in his bowl, casually asking: "How long will it take to soak this thing before you can pick it up?" His chopsticks stopped and did not respond. The wife of a colleague sitting next to him smiled and said: "The relationship between you two is really good." He put down his chopsticks, raised his glass of wine, and spoke right in front of everyone:

"Can you stop being so clingy to me? I'm not your father, I still force you to decide everything."

The whole room was silent for two seconds. Someone spoke up to conciliate: "Oh, my sister-in-law is just so close to you." He sipped his wine and waved his hand: "It's been three years. Even if I dip a piece of meat, I have to ask. Tell me, are you tired?" The men followed and burst out laughing. The chopsticks in my hand were still raised, grease from the beef dripping down. I smiled and dropped the meat back into the pot.

“Yes, I remember.”

I don't remember what I ate after that meal. I just remember on the way home, he was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and no one said a word the whole way. He was the first to speak: "Don't take it to heart, I just blurted it out." I nodded: “Yes.”

"Me too, when you go out, save some face for me. Ask about everything, as if you don't have an opinion."

I nodded again: "Yes, I won't ask anymore." He probably thought I was sulking, so he reached out and patted my thigh.

"It's okay, don't be angry anymore."

I'm not angry. I just suddenly realized that, after three years of marriage, I asked him what shirt to wear on the street today, asked him what he wanted to eat tonight, asked him where to go on the weekend. In his eyes, that is not closeness. It's a burden, it's a nuisance. When I got home, he took a shower, and I sat on the sofa and opened the notes on my phone. Before, my notes were filled with notes for him: his medical check-up schedule, his mother's birthday, the day his car needed maintenance. I reread every line. Then delete it. From that day on, I didn't ask him anything anymore. You're right. You are not my father. I shouldn't come to you for anything. 02 The next morning, the alarm rang. Before, I would wake him up and ask: "What time will you come to the company today? Let me warm up your breakfast." I didn't ask that day. I get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, boil the kettle, eat a slice of bread and then go to work. Later he woke up and texted me: "Why didn't you call me? It's late for work." I replied: "I set the alarm myself." He didn't say anything more. Third day, awake Most of the food in the refrigerator. Before, I would take a photo and send it to him: "What do you want to eat tonight? Let me go buy it." That day I decided for myself, bought tomatoes and eggs, made two savory dishes and one soup. When he came back to eat, he said: "Why is it eggs in tomato sauce again?"

“There's only this much left in the refrigerator.”

“Then why don't you ask me what I want to eat? I tell you, today I…”

“If you want to eat, order it yourself, I'll eat whatever you cook.”

He paused and burst out laughing: "Ah, it still makes me angry." I didn't answer, I bowed my head to serve the rice. That week, he probably still thought I was making a fool of myself. On weekends, he dragged me to the shopping center and I followed. He tried on a jacket, stood in front of the mirror and turned to look at me. In the past, I would approach him to help him adjust his collar, compliment him on his beauty, or persuade him to change to a different color. That day I sat on the chair nearby looking at my phone. He waited for a moment: "Aren't you going to take a look?"

“If you like it, just buy it.”

"I'm asking you if you're beautiful or not."

“Whatever.”

He hung up the shirt and returned it, his face a bit unsightly. Leaving the shopping center, he said: "What's wrong with you lately? Is this a cold war with me?" I said: "No, didn't you say I was too clingy? I fixed it." He sighed: "I just said a few words to you and you already have this attitude? Is it worth it?" I don't answer. Is it worth it? He told me in front of seven or eight people that I was like a child without a father, opening my mouth to ask him was asking for more trouble. Is it worth it? I find it worth it. But I didn't say it. I just kept quiet and didn't ask anymore. Don't ask how you're feeling today, don't ask if you have a party tomorrow, don't ask if you need help putting away your seasonal clothes. Your medical examination is due, I won't remind you. His mother called and said it was her birthday next week, so I didn't buy a gift and let him know like before. And he forgot about it himself. His mother called and scolded him for being unfilial. He came home and shouted to me: "It's my mother's birthday, why didn't you tell me?" I put down the bowl and chopsticks and looked at him.

"If I say it, you won't blame me for bothering you?"

He opened his mouth, but couldn't utter a word. 03 After that, he was quiet for a while. But I could see that he wasn't reflecting on himself, but that he thought I was using cold violence to punish him. When he called his friend, I heard him say: "My wife has been in a bad mood lately. She's been in a cold war with me for nearly a month now." I couldn't hear what the other end of the line said. He sneered: "I said a few words to her during the hot pot meal, but that's why she's still vindictive to this day. Women really are narrow-minded." I stood at the bedroom door for a few seconds. Then turn around and go into the office and close the door. Later that month, I went for my annual physical exam. Before when I went to the doctor, I always took him with me. He complained, so I made an appointment and dragged him away. This time I went alone. Blood draw, ultrasound, CT scan, a series of procedures completed. Three days later the results came out. I sat on a plastic chair in the hospital hallway, looking at the words on the examination paper.

“Further examination is recommended, suspected mass lesion (tumor).”

I read it three times. The first time I didn't understand it. The second time my hands started shaking. The third time I folded the paper, put it in your bag. On the subway ride home, I stood leaning against the door. When the train enters the tunnel, the window turns into a dark mirror. I saw my face, expressionless. When he got home, he was sitting in the living room playing games.

“Are you back?” He didn't even bother to raise his head.

“Yes.”

“What's for dinner tonight?”

In the past, I always asked you this question. I replied: "There are leftovers from yesterday in the refrigerator, you can reheat them and eat them yourself." Only then did he look up at me: "Your face doesn't look very good."