Chapter 4 — From the Day I Didn't Ask

He said again: "I'll take the day off tomorrow, I'll stay here and take care of you."

“My mother will be up tomorrow.”

“Then I'll come too.”

I don't refuse anymore, nor do I agree. Just open the book again and turn to the same page as before. He sat next to me, just sitting and not moving. But the atmosphere between us was colder than the smell of disinfectant in the hallway. 06 That night he didn't come home. There was only one folding chair in the room for family members, and he sat on it, staying up all night. I know, because I can't sleep much either. At three o'clock in the middle of the night, he got up and covered me with the blanket. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. When his hand touched my arm, he paused for a moment, then withdrew his hand. You weren't like that before. Before, when I had a fever, he even criticized me for making a big deal out of something small. I would say "husband, I have a headache", he would say "take the pill and you're done, don't overdo it with such trivial matters". Yet now I'm lying in the hospital bed waiting for surgery, and he doesn't dare touch me anymore. At five thirty in the morning, the nurse came to take my temperature. He woke up, went to the hallway to get a thermos of hot water and brought it in.

“Do you want some water?”

“The doctor told me not to eat or drink.”

He froze, placed the thermos on the cabinet. At seven o'clock, my mother arrived. Seeing him sitting in the hospital room, my mother's face changed continuously.

“Are you here?”

He stood up: "Mom, I just found out yesterday."

“You just found out yesterday?” My mother's voice rose, "Your wife was in the hospital for three days before you knew?"

“Mom.” I spoke up, "Mom, stop talking."

My mother looked at me, then at him, trying to hold back. At eight o'clock, the doctor came to make the final confirmation before the surgery.

“Whose family member will sign the papers?”

He immediately stood up: "I sign." I looked at the doctor and said: "Let my mother sign." He turned to look at me, the expression on his face at that moment I couldn't describe. It was as if someone had just given a painful slap. My mother standing next to me seemed hesitant: "Or let him sign it."

“Sign it, Mom.”

My voice is very calm. Not out of anger, nor out of revenge. I just feel. He once said he didn't want to be my support. So things like this that involve life and death shouldn't be forced on you. He stood next to her, his arms hanging down, his lips pressed tightly into a straight line. After my mother signed the papers, the doctor left. The nurse came and placed an IV needle in me and told me to change into surgical clothes. He stood next to me, not able to say a word. At nine thirty, the operating room staff came to pick you up. When the nurse pushed the hospital bed out, he followed closely beside her.

“I'll wait for you outside.”

I said "yes". At the door of the operating room, the nurse asked the family to wait outside. He stopped, watching me being pushed inside. Before the door closed, I saw his appearance. His hands were clenched into fists, his eyes were red, his lips were trembling. It's been three years. This is the first time I've seen him with this expression. Before, when I grabbed his sleeve and called out "husband, I'm scared", he had never had such an expression. Only when I no longer cling to him will he be afraid. The operating room door closed. The surgical light shines down, brightly. The anesthesiologist told me to count backwards from one hundred. One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight. I thought to myself, if the hotpot meal two months ago, he wouldn't have said that. So the person standing outside the door right now should be in here holding it hold my hand tightly. Ninety-three, ninety-two. Stop it. There are no what ifs. 07 The surgery lasted two hours. When I woke up, my throat was dry as if I had just swallowed sandpaper. Open your eyes, the ceiling is white, the fluorescent lights are bright. Someone is holding my hand. It's my mother. Seeing me awake, tears immediately fell from her eyes: "Are you awake? Are you in pain?" I shook my head, my lips moved but I didn't say a word.