Chapter 9 — From the Day I Didn't Ask

“Mother said…” He paused, “Mother said I'm not worthy of being a husband.”

I didn't answer.

"My mother told me that after three years of marriage, I never forgot her birthday, and never lacked gifts during the holidays. She always thought it was you who arranged it."

He lowered his head.

“I just found out that everything was handled by you alone.”

I continued to eat noodles.

"Mom forced me to apologize to you. She said if you want a divorce, she won't stop you."

My chopsticks stopped. This is something I didn't expect. I know very well my mother-in-law's personality, she values dignity and tradition, always believes that once married, one should not leave. She was able to say these words, proving that on the phone he told everything clearly and without hiding anything.

“What did you say to your mother?”

“Tell the truth.” He replied, "What did I tell you when we went to eat hot pot? How did you change after that? You were in the hospital without me knowing. I'll tell you everything."

“Why?”

He looked up at me.

“Because I don't want you to suffer alone. Even if you don't forgive me, I don't want others to think this is your fault.”

The noodle shop has people coming in and out, very noisy. Someone at the next table was making loud calls, and there was a child running around. But I just heard this sentence from him. I bowed my head and finished the bowl of noodles. Put down your chopsticks and wipe your mouth.

“Do you know why I always ask you everything?”

He looked at me.

“It's not because I don't have an opinion. It's not because I can't decide for myself.”

“It's because I want you to participate.”

His eyes turned red immediately.

"I want you to feel that every little thing in this house is related to you. I want you to feel needed."

“But I don't want to be needed. It bothers me.”

“So I won't ask anymore.”

Tears fell from his eyes. In the noodle shop, sitting opposite me, a 30 year old man, tears kept falling onto the table. Someone at the next table glanced over. He bowed his head, wiped his face with the back of his hand. I still sat motionless. Don't give a tissue, don't say "stop crying". I would have done that before. But now I have learned something. There were tears, he had to shed them himself. 12 Leaving the noodle shop, he sat in the car for a long time without starting the engine. I buckled my seatbelt and looked out the front windshield.

“Have you thought it through?” he asked.

“Think carefully about what?”

“What happens next for us?”

I tilted my head and looked out the car window. In front of the hospital gate, someone pushed a wheelchair out, someone helped the elderly walk, someone carried a child and rushed into the emergency room. Besides each person, there is another person accompanying them.

“I don't know.” I said.

You don't urge me.

“I don't want to divorce you.” I continued, "But I can't go back to the way I was before."

He nodded.

"The person who always asks you for everything, looks for you for everything, I can't do it anymore. Not because I'm angry, but because I really can't do it anymore."

“I know.”

“Can you accept it? Accept a wife who will never cling to you again?”

He turned to look at me.

“I don't need you clinging to me.”

I'm dumbfounded.

"There's something I need you to tell me. Even if you don't ask for my opinion, even if you've decided on your own, at least let me know."

His voice trembled.

“You I'm sick, I have to let you know. I'm sad, I have to let you know. Whatever decision you make, you must let me know.”

“I don't need you to ask me what to wear and what to eat today. But I was in the hospital, I went under the knife and I shouldered the burden alone for a whole month..."

His voice broke. The knuckles of the fingers holding the steering wheel are white.

“I can't stand it.”

I leaned back in the seat, looking up at the ceiling of the car. For a long time no one said anything. The car was very quiet, outside sounds transmitted through the hazy glass.

“So do you.” I spoke up.