Chapter 3 — Ten Years as an Outsider

I looked at the screen for a few seconds, then finally picked up the phone.

"Van Van, mom's blood pressure is a bit high this morning, I keep talking about you. When will you come back?"

“Waiting for my mother to finish surgery.”

“But this side cannot be without you.”

I quietly asked: "Can't do without me, or can't do without free labor?" The other end of the line was silent for two seconds. Then he lowered his voice, as if trying to hold back: "Why are you speaking so harshly now?"

“Before, I spoke easily, so you guys pretended not to hear.”

"Lam Van, I know you're not happy, but don't use any excuses. Mom just finished surgery, can't be agitated. If you want to cause trouble, wait until she's well before starting it, okay?"

I took the phone away from my ear, looked at the flow of people passing by in the hospital hallway, and suddenly felt ridiculously funny. It turned out that in his eyes, I was not suffering from resentment. I'm just looking for something. Causing chaos. I hung up and blocked his number. For the next month, I went back and forth between the hometown hospital and the rented room. After my mother had surgery, every night she was in so much pain that she couldn't sleep. I rubbed her feet, helped her go to the bathroom, and turned over to help her. I am so used to taking care of the elderly. So familiar that the nurse even praised me for my experience. But I didn't have the slightest sense of accomplishment in my heart. Because I suddenly realized that in these ten years I was not born knowing how to take care of people. I was forced to study. In the second year of marriage, my mother-in-law had gall bladder surgery, my father-in-law had just passed away, Chu Minh Xuyen was busy with a promotion, I took half a month off to stay at the hospital to take care of her. In her fourth year, she had spinal pain and couldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night. I alone carried her from the bathroom. In the sixth year, she discovered high blood pressure and diabetes. I covered the refrigerator with a menu board and weighed every gram of rice and every gram of salt every day. In the eighth year, she had her first stroke, Chu Thien could only cry, Chu Minh Xuyen was frantic, I alone took on all the decisions, signed the papers, asked the doctor, ran to pay money, contacted rehabilitation. The tenth year, this time. It turned out that I had long become the default “problem solver” of the Chu family. Difficult, dirty, tiring, annoying things are all pushed to me. Then he added another sentence, Van Van is still the best. Before, I thought it was trust. Now I understand, that is the habit of demanding unconditionally. After my mother was discharged from the hospital, her recovery was quite good. She leaned on her walker, took each step slowly, breathing heavily and asked me: "How is your mother-in-law's side? You've been here all the time, does Minh Xuyen have no opinion?" I was peeling an apple, my hand stopped a bit: "If you have an opinion, you have to hold back." She was stunned, looked at me, her eyes immediately changed. She understands me so well. Since I was a child, I have not been the type of person to complain and swallow my losses. Being able to say something like that can only be truly cold-hearted.

“Van Van, what exactly happened?”

I was silent for a long time before recounting the words I heard outside the operating room. The more my mother listened, the more unsightly her face became. At the end, her hands shook: "Did he really say that?"

“Minh Xuyen also knows?”

My mother was silent for a long time, then suddenly wiped her face with her hand.

"You're a useless mother, you can't back me up. Your father passed away early, so I can't teach you to be tougher at your husband's house."

My nose stung. I quickly sat down and held her hand: "It's not your fault, Mom."

“It's mom's fault.” Her voice trembled. "If you had a little money and a little support, you wouldn't have had to suffer so much in the Chu family that year. Van Van, listen to your mother, don't endure this kind of life anymore. If people don't have you in their hearts, you'll suffer another ten years in vain."

At that moment, I felt like I was pulled straight out of the fog. I always thought, if I endure a little more, the Chu family will see. One day, they will honestly say, Van Van is family. But it turns out it wasn't that I hadn't endured it long enough. It's that there are people who, from the beginning, did not intend to give me that position. No matter how much I do, it's only usable by an outsider. A week later, I returned to Ninh Thanh. Not to the Chu family, but to the small house I bought before getting married. The house is not big, one bedroom and one living room, it has been rented for several years, the tenant just moved out not long ago. I pulled my suitcase and stood in front of the door, the key in the lock, my hands shaking a bit. This is the house I gathered money to buy before getting married. At that time, I was young and thought that for women who had a house in their hands, no matter how bad life was, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Later when they got married, the Chu family did not give a single dong of bride price, saying that the mother-in-law was not in good health and that the family's conditions were normal, hoping for my understanding. I sympathized. After getting married, I also brought in the rent for this house to help with family expenses. Her mother-in-law bought functional foods, Chu Thien's children took extra classes, Chu Minh Xuyen's friends got married, and even the money to celebrate Tet holidays and travel to relatives, many times came from the rent of this house. They are so used to it that it comes naturally. To the point where I forgot, this was originally my support. The first night back in my house, I sat alone on the floor, biting into rice balls I bought at a convenience store, and suddenly cried and couldn't stop. Not out of self-pity. It's because of fear. I'm afraid that if I hadn't bought this house that year, now I wouldn't even have a place to breathe. After crying, I unblocked Chu Minh Xuyen and sent him a message.

"From now on, about your mother's care and expenses, text. Don't call."

He answered almost immediately.

"You've returned to Ninh Thanh? Where?"

I don't answer. A few minutes later, he texted again.

“Mom knows I'm home, so just tell me to come home for dinner.”

I looked at that line for a long time, only answering two words.

“Not coming back.”

The next morning, I went to my old company. Ms. Luu, the owner, froze when she saw me, then pulled me into the office.

"Finally you appeared. Two years ago I called you back and you refused, so what, finally able to let go?"

I smiled a bit awkwardly: "It's not about being released, it's about coming out on your own." Ms. Luu looked at me for a few seconds, didn't ask any more questions, just pushed a new project book towards me.

"Can I go to work? If I can, I'll go to work tomorrow. The salary isn't too high, but it's definitely better than being a free nanny at home."

I looked at the familiar chart and my heart suddenly calmed down a bit. That afternoon, I went back to the Chu family's house to get things. As soon as I opened the door, the smell of medicine and grease mixed together, making it difficult to breathe. Mother-in-law sat on the sofa, her face dark. Chu Thien crossed her arms and sat next to me. When she saw me, she pouted. Chu Minh Xuyen came out of the kitchen, his apron tied askew, his forehead covered in sweat. He saw me, clearly relieved.

“You're home, just in time, mom's blood sugar is high today, dinner isn't ready yet, I came in to see Is the food okay?”

I put the key on the shoe cabinet and calmly said: "I'm coming to get things, not cooking." The living room immediately fell silent.