Chapter 10 — Winter 1980

“I'm about to leave.” Her hand holding the bowl of food trembled a bit. Water poured out. She didn't look at the notice, just looked at me. "Going where?" "Province." "Still... going back?" She asked very cautiously. I remained silent. I do not know. Maybe on Tet holiday I will visit my father. Probably will never come back again. “This is the last time I give you money.” I took an envelope out of my pocket and placed it on the table. Inside is all the money I've saved in these two years, excluding the fees, which is almost five hundred dong. "This money is enough for you to treat my father, and enough for the two of you to live for a while." "From now on, we don't owe anyone anything." I owe you my life, I used the consent of these two years and this money has been paid. Thanks to my grandmother who raised me, I also used the support for these two years and this money has been paid. Between us, from now on there is no more connection. Mom looked at the thick envelope and didn't reach out to take it. She just looked at me, for a long, long time. Then, she suddenly stood up and walked in front of me. With a "thump" sound, she knelt down. I was startled and quickly took a step back. "What are you doing!" "Nien Niem..." She raised her head, her face full of tears, her hair was gray. "Mom was wrong..." "I know I was wrong..." "Don't go... don't need me..." She hugged my legs, crying fiercely. Like two years ago at the train station. But this time, in her cry there was no threat, no calculation. There is only despair and true regret. She said that for the past two years, she has had nightmares every night. Dreaming that I was thrown into a cemetery, crying until my voice was hoarse. Dreaming about my sister asking her why she stole my life. She said she knew she was not a good person, selfish or cruel. But she is also a woman, she also wants to have her own children. That year, the stillborn child made her completely desperate. So she hates, hates everyone. Hating Lam Kien Quan, hating To Ngoc Mai, hating me is "cruel". I also hate my own fate. I looked at her kneeling on the ground, crying like a child. The ice that had been frozen in my heart for more than ten years seemed to have a small crack. I won't help you. I just listened quietly. Waiting for her to cry enough, I said: "You are not at fault with me." She was stunned. "You are only at fault with your own life." I left this sentence, turned around and left the west room. No turning back anymore. Three days later, I sat on the train to the province. On the day I left, my mother didn't come to see me off. Dad is also still sick. The train station was empty and I was alone. But I don't feel alone. I know, in the provinces, across the strait, there is a whole new world waiting for me. When the train moved, I felt like I saw the winter of 1980. A man wearing a dinner jacket stood in a bare yard. He said: "This time you come back, only bring one child." He took her away, giving her a new life. He didn't take me away, but he also gave me the right to choose my life. That's good. I leaned against the train window, watching the fields and villages outside the window quickly recede. The sunlight shines on my face, warm and comfortable. I know, from this moment my life truly begins. Life belongs to Lam Niem.