Chapter 5 — Winter 1980

She has relied on this man all her life, relying on his weakness and patience to be able to act fiercely in the house. If he doesn't hold back anymore, then she will be nothing. The tension in the yard was broken because of Dad's outburst. Father, Lam Kien Quan, came over and patted my father's shoulder. "Mr. Tran, thank you." His voice carried gratitude and respect. Dad shook his head, his face full of shame. "Don't say that... I'm sorry for this child..." He looked at me, his eyes avoiding, not daring to face me. I know what you're thinking. Over the past ten years, his indifference towards his "second daughter" me, although not as harsh as his mother's, was like a blunt knife, cutting into my heart day after day. He is an accomplice. Now, he has awakened. Father didn't hesitate anymore, he grabbed my sister's and my hands. "Let's go." This time, no one stopped us. Mother sat on the ground, looking at the backs of the three of us, her eyes empty. Dad leaned against the wall, as if he had aged ten years in the blink of an eye. The house maintained by this lie, after the truth was exposed, collapsed loudly. I followed my father and sister and walked out of the yard where I had lived for more than ten years. Step out of that cramped, dark, forever controversial and cold place. The winter sunlight shines on you, not as warm as you imagine. I turned my head to take a look. In the yard door, mother's shadow became smaller and smaller, eventually turning into a vague black dot. I have no hatred in my heart. There is also no attachment. There's just a strange kind of calm. Like a nightmare that had lasted for a very long time, finally waking up. We didn't go straight to the station. Father took us to another house at the east end of the village. It was the house of the midwife that year. She was very old, her face was full of wrinkles, and her ears were a bit deaf. Seeing her father, her cloudy eyes brightened a bit. "Kien Quan... you're back..." Father nodded, took out a red envelope from his pocket, stuffed it into her hand. "Auntie, thank you." She waved her hand, not accepting it. "I didn't do anything... that year... I was sorry to you and your eldest sister..." She sighed, her eyes falling on me. "This... is Ngoc Mai's child, right?" In her cloudy eyes, a trace of pity appeared. "So much like your mother..." My heart trembled. My mother, To Ngoc Mai. This was the first time I heard someone mention her with a non-malicious assessment. "She's a good girl..." The old woman muttered. "Understands decency, has a gentle personality... just a miserable fate..." "That year he knew I was gone, immediately argued with my family, determined to wait for you to return." "Later... later having a child... he was so happy that he went crazy, saying this was the longing that God had given him..." "So, he named the child Tran Niem." It turned out to be the word "Nem". Reciting in nostalgia. It's not the word "De" in the word "I hope you" that my mother said. My tears flowed down once again. That mother that I have never met, she is not a fox, not the source of evil. She was just a woman who loved my father deeply and was also full of expectations for me. Father listened to the old woman's words and tears filled his face for a long time. He squeezed my arms tightly, as if wanting to make up for all the losses of the past thirty years. Coming out of the midwife's house, it was already quite dark. Father said he had bought a train ticket early tomorrow morning to return to the province, and from there he was thinking about how to return to Taiwan. Tonight, we stay overnight in a guest house in town. The conditions of the guest house are very sketchy. But to me, that clean bed, that blanket that carries the smell of sunshine, is already like heaven. Father opened a room for each of us sisters. I lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, my mind confused. In just one day, my life changed dramatically. I have a father and a sister. I am no longer the Tran Niem that no one needs anymore. My name is Lam Niem.

Just as I was deep in thought, there was a knock on the door. It's my sister, Lam Tinh Uyen. She carried a basin of hot water in. "Nim Niem, soak your feet, you must be very scared today." She placed the basin on the ground and took out a clean towel. I looked at her, feeling warm in my heart. "You..." "Yes?" "Do you... hate her?" I asked. I know, the person I asked is my mother, Tran Tu Nga. The adoptive mother had stolen her life for thirty years.08 Her movement to help me take off her shoes stopped. She raised her head to look at me, her eyes were very complicated. There was confusion, there was pain, there was also a bit of nostalgia that I couldn't understand. "I don't know." She said softly, her voice carrying fatigue. "When I heard the truth, I hated her." "I hated how many years she lied to me, letting me call my enemy mother." "But..." She bowed her head and continued to help me roll up my pants. Warm steam rose, blurring her face. "When I saw her kneeling on the ground crying, saw her father... adoptive father slap her, I felt very pitiful." "All her life she seemed to live for others, calculating for others, but in the end she got nothing." I remained silent. Yes, she is very pitiful. But I can't forget her determined eyes when she pushed me away. I can't forget the cruel look on her face when she scolded me for being a "bastard child".