Chapter 10 — The Bed of Your Own Choosing

I boiled water, Shen Nianchu found bread for him to eat. After Gu Cheng finished drinking the medicine, he leaned against the head of the bed and looked at us. "Now you two really look like my parents." Shen Nianchu threw the box of medicine on him: "If you eat and drink carelessly, the pain will be worth it." On the way home, she asked me: "Do you think I've improved?" "What progress?" "I didn't run to take care of him alone." "Classmate Shen, love is not about judging behavior." She took my arm: "But at first it was clear that you were also judging me." I admit that during that time I really gradually relaxed. When Gu Cheng's mother had gallbladder surgery, Shen Nianchu went to the hospital on the same day. She told me in advance, and I also helped look up the post-operative diet online. I think I have finally learned how to separate grace and love. But people who change a habit often do not stop doing it, but rather start choosing which part to let others see. In the summer of my second year, we stayed at school together to work on a project. After Gu Cheng broke up with his girlfriend, he was in a very bad mood and didn't go to class for a week straight. Shen Nianchu sat with him at the stadium once but didn't tell me. I did not find out by checking her phone. Han Dongming saw me jogging that night and came back to the room to tell me. "My sister-in-law is arguing with Gu Cheng in the next room. Gu Cheng sat on the track looking as though he had died eight hundred times." I called Shen Nianchu, she said she was in the dormitory. "You're not going to the stadium?" The other end of the line fell silent.
"Just got back." "Why didn't you tell me?" "His condition is not good, I'm afraid you'll think too much." "You're afraid I'll think too much so you let me hear it from someone else's mouth?" She was also angry: "I just sat with him for half an hour, doing nothing. Do I have to report to you every time I see him?" "You said you would tell me yourself." "What I said is important. Where is this important?" I did not continue arguing over the phone. The next day, Shen Nianchu brought breakfast to the project office.
She put soy milk in front of me: "Are you still angry?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "Where do you feel you went wrong?" She sat down: "Shouldn't hide it from you." "Why hide it?" "Because you're too sensitive to Gu Cheng. If I tell you, you definitely won't be happy." "So when you decided to do it, you knew I wouldn't be happy." She pursed her lips. I lowered my voice: "Nianchu, you may feel that I control too much, you can argue with me. But you can't choose his side and decide instead that it's best for me not to know." "What about him? He had just broken up, was drinking, and called me. I couldn't help but worry." "You can worry. You can call Qian Kai, call his roommate, or tell me so we can go together." "He doesn't want to be seen by others." "So you have to keep it a secret for him." Shen Nianchu pushed the cup of soy milk aside: "Zhou Yanxuan, have you noticed, you didn't deal with last night's matter. You're using what happened last night to prove that you've been looking at me correctly all along." This sentence hit the nail on the head. I fell silent. Her eyes turned red: "I tried very hard to consider your feelings. Gu Cheng's mother was in the hospital, I asked you first; he had a stomachache, I took you with me. But every now and then there was something I didn't do your way, you felt like I was still the same as before." "What is before?" "The person in your heart who will always be hurt by what happened with Gu Cheng." She stood up, the chair scraped against the floor, making a sharp sound. "I do not know where that person came from, but she is not me." I did not stop her. After that day, we fought a cold war for four days. The project had a refund problem. There were students who posted fake job ads, and more than ten people who registered lost their deposits. Even though we are just an information platform, we are still blocked from the office demanding responsibility. Shen Nianchu proactively contacted the poster, got most of the money back, and also revised the censorship process. After finishing processing, I went to find her. She was arranging documents in an empty classroom, on the table was a cold lunch box. "Eat first." I said. "It has no taste." "I'm sorry." The pen in her hand stopped. "Indeed, I used something that hadn't happened yet to condemn you." I said, "It wasn't right for you to hide it from me that night, but it was my own problem that I exaggerated." She lowered her head to look at the documents: "So what happens next?" "From now on I will only say what happened." "Can you do it?" "Try." Finally she looked up: "Zhou Yanxuan, sometimes you seem to be very afraid of me." I sat across from her. Of course I'm afraid. I'm afraid the same argument will happen again, afraid that misunderstandings will erode us again, afraid that the three hundred and twenty thousand yuan will disappear from my account again, even more afraid that I will clearly know the outcome but will still believe it again because of one look from her. "I'm not afraid of you." I said, "I'm afraid I won't handle it well." Shen Nianchu looked at me for a long time, then pushed the cold lunch box over. "Then first eat with me." We began to make up.