Chapter 13 — The Bed of Your Own Choosing

Han Dongming took his bank card and the first thing he did was buy a refrigerator for his family. Du Hang changed computers. Even though Zhao Yue did not participate in the project, he still insisted that we invite him to three meals, the reason being that he had contributed four years of peanuts. Meng Lan has been officially admitted to the provincial newspaper office. When she invited me to drink coffee and heard I was about to go to an e-commerce company in Hangzhou, she nodded. "Not staying in the provincial capital, is quite good." "Why?" "If you stay here, it will be difficult for you to tell whether you are moving toward something or merely running away." "Shouldn't you avoid going to Hangzhou?" "At least a little farther; then running away will look more like pursuing a career." She could always speak frankly without revealing much about herself. I asked her about her future plans, she said she wanted to be an in-depth investigative reporter, but the newspaper office needed her to write news about real estate openings and shopping mall promotions. "The greatest respect in reality for the ideal is to first let the ideal pay its own rent." She said. One month before graduation, Shen Nianchu made an appointment to meet me. The location was the grilled fish restaurant where we first ate. The owner has changed, the menu on the wall has increased by two yuan. She cut her hair short and got a job at a local bank. "I heard you went to Hangzhou." She said. "Yes." "For work, or for me?" "Work." She nodded, not asking further. We ate in silence for a while. She still can't eat spicy food, so she ordered it medium spicy. The staff brought a bottle of water and she drank it very slowly. "Gu Cheng also went to Hangzhou." She suddenly spoke. My hand stopped picking up the food. "He joined an internet company." "It has nothing to do with me." "I know. I just told you in advance, so you don't feel like I said anything in the future." Her voice was calm, even a bit self-mocking. I put down my chopsticks: "Nianchu, there's no need to do that." "How?" "We broke up. You don't need to prove anything anymore." She looked at me: "But sometimes I still think, if I hadn't gone to the river that day, what would we be like now?" "Maybe we'll continue." "What about after that?" "Wait for next time." She smiled: "You're still as certain as ever." "It is not certain that you would choose him, but we certainly had not resolved the issue." "Why can't you accept that there is a very important friend of the opposite sex in my life?" "Maybe there is. But he can't rely on what happened to decide our priorities." She bowed her head and stirred the soup in the bowl. "Later Gu Cheng apologized to me. He said he shouldn't have looked for me that day." "Yeah." "But he said if he did it again, he would probably still call me, because at the time he simply trusted me." I was not surprised. Shen Nianchu raised her head: "When I heard that sentence, for the first time I did not feel moved." Outside the window there were students about to graduate taking photos. The bachelor's hat was thrown up. When it fell, someone couldn't catch it and hit a classmate in the face. The whole group laughed in a crowd. She looked at them: "In the past, I always felt that being needed by others was very important. Later I discovered that a person who only needs you at your worst is not necessarily in love, but maybe it's just because they are used to throwing the ugliest part at you." My heart tightened. This was a conclusion she had reached on her own in this life, not one I had forced on her. "So are you still going now?" I asked. "Gu Cheng has something going on, so I'll go. Gu Cheng is drunk, heartbroken, work isn't going well, I won't go anymore." "Good." "But that doesn't mean I regret going to the river that day." "I understand." Shen Nianchu looked at me: "Can't we really start over?" In her life before the divorce, she had never asked this question. She said she was tired, and also said I turned marriage into an audit.
We both felt that the other person would not change, so we signed very quickly, not even eating our last meal. Now she asks me at twenty-two if I want to start again. It's not that I'm not moved. But I knew that if I agreed, a large part would not be because we became compatible, but because I couldn't bear the feelings of the last two lives coming to a knot that could be fixed. "Impossible." I said. Her eyes gradually turned red, but she didn't cry. "Because you don't like me anymore?" "Because when I'm with you, I'm so like a person waiting for results. I will always see what you choose next time. That's not fair to you, nor is it good for me." Shen Nianchu was silent for a long time. "Zhou Yanxuan, do you know? Before, the thing I hated the most was that you felt like you could see through everything." "What about now?" "I still hate it now." She stood up, pressing her money under the cup. "But I admit there are some things you see earlier than me." Walking to the door, she turned around: "In the future, don't use things that other people haven't done as a precaution.
Not everyone owes you proof." That sentence stayed with me for many years. On graduation day, Room 407 took the last photo in the dormitory. Han Dongming put the red pot on his head and said this was the room's generational treasure. Du Hang insisted on bringing the socket that had been repaired eight times, Zhao Yue divided the last two bags of peanuts for the whole floor. Gu Cheng came from the next room and stood at the door for a while.